The Break-Up Process

Steps in the break-up process, as expressed in your perception of other couples displays of affection. (Perhaps I should write a grant)

1. The Break Up (1-3 months): The only things that keeps you from weeping hysterically are detailed revenge plots and a toxic diet of cheese nips and Dr. Pepper.

When you do happen to leave the couch, if you see couples kissing, you are possessed with the knowledge that it is all an evil conspiracy to hurt you more. You tend to glare at the offending couple, mumbling curses regarding the future of their union. If you spot a wedding ring, you will loudly debate with your friends on if the couple is indeed married to each other.

2. When Will the Agony End (3-6 months): Your friends now avoid you and some no longer take your calls. You have lost the “Cheese Nip” weight, but only because you lack the energy to eat food.

While out, you note that your friends now place you at the end of the table with the other “boring” friends. When you notice a couple kissing, you are filled with an overwhelming desire to cry. You are now convinced that you will never be kissed again. This is especially true if your ex now has a new girlfriend. You tend to stare longingly at the couples and sigh deeply.

3. The Bounce Back (6-9 months): Your friends have begun an obvious battle to pull your soul back from the brink. You jump back into social situations and go out on blind dates. You begin to write your on-line dating profile in your head.

While out if you spot a kissing couple, you tend to feel a tad jealous. You start to daydream about making out with actors, friends, co-workers, bartenders, the man that held the elevator, the guy that rang you up at Starbucks. You only accept dates based on their potential make-out ability. Often you think, oh, I could do that so much better.

4. Cured (9-12 months): You run into your ex on the street and momentarily cannot recall his name. (lovely thought)

You no longer spot couples kissing. When on dates with your current boyfriend, if you happen to look around, you tend to notice girls oddly sighing. Funny, you always thought those were angels singing.