A Pendulum

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."- Albert Einstein

I am like a pendulum, swinging back and forth between emotions. At the base of it is my love for him. My fear is that he does not understand my current feelings for him. I love him as much now as the first day that I realized it was love. His place in my heart is very secure. He questions my feelings, and I try to respond, but I can’t articulate my feelings. I begin, trying to make sense of a jumbled mess and what I say and what he reads are different. He gets hurt by my words, and all I really want to say to is yes I do still love you. I worry that this would be worse. Still I would fight dragons for him. I just want to make him smile and see him happy.

I had hoped, a small secret hope, that one day we might get another chance, after all the pain was gone. I found out that he is moving on with his life, it hurt, but what hurt the most is that I know that he is not moving on from me, but from others. This morning I thought of my sliding door. What if someone took me back to the very beginning of the relationship and told me I could choose to not live it, what would I do? I would without a doubt jump in the car and kiss him, the same as the first time. To me the time with him is more valuable, then skipping the pain of rejection, even if in the end it is just friends.