Sliding Doors

Don't you ever wonder,
Maybe if things had been slightly different
You could be somebody else
Don't you wonder, maybe...
If you took a left turn instead of taking a right, You could be somebody different
(Dave Mathews Band)

I love to play this game. Trying to decide what moments in my life were pivotal, those moments when in a split second your future was set in motion. When things are horrible in my life I think about how far back I would go. How much of my life now would I erase, that kiss, those words, a number thrown away.

I often settle on a day in high school when I broke up with my boyfriend. We are seniors standing in the middle of the bustle of students, pushing for their lockers and hurrying to take their finals. And I spit out the words that were meant to alter my life. When I finished one of my friends wrapped his arms around me and pulled me away. I was safe and secure, fine with my decision, no tears to be shed. As I walked away my ex punched his locker, breaking his hand. So here we are, senior finals, he can’t write, he is in pain, but he has to take his finals. So what does the school do? They find me, good student and girlfriend; and have me write down his answers, allowing him the chance to plead forgiveness.

Eventually I will marry this man, move from Texas to New York and meet a couple from Houston. Thus placing my feet firmly on this path to this place. Perhaps if I had kept walking, refused to help, never looked back my life would be different. I try to imagine what I would have become or where I would be. I just know that it would be different, and these pains that I have suffered over the years would be different pains caused by different people. I wonder if it would have been better.