And I wait...

It has been such a long time since I have posted, it feels that my fingers are rusty. They can't find the right keys. I can't speak the words that need to be spoken. I just feel really sad, and I know that if give life to the feeling, there will be no moment when I can't pull back and say, oh nevermind, I did not mean it. Long days fold in upon themselves, and the moments drag forward. I actually no longer come to this site to see the comments. I don't wonder who cares how I feel. I am lost, and at sea. Drifting alone again.

There are moments when my hands reach out to drag in someone else. Clutching and pulling them close. Hoping that they can save me. Really it just seems to make it worse. So I hide the sadness from everyone. I know that people can catch glimpses of it, but I hope that I seem more stoic then sad. Perhaps others view me as more than depressed. I know that the boy wonders why I am sad, lying next to me asking why. Wondering what he can do to make me happy. Odd that there are moments when no one can make me happy but me, and I just don't want to be happy.

Maybe, I should take the time to write out these feelings, to allow myself to analyze the pain. It always seemed to help in the past. Perhaps the fear that this time I will drown is unfounded. We shall see.