And I wait...

It has been such a long time since I have posted, it feels that my fingers are rusty. They can't find the right keys. I can't speak the words that need to be spoken. I just feel really sad, and I know that if give life to the feeling, there will be no moment when I can't pull back and say, oh nevermind, I did not mean it. Long days fold in upon themselves, and the moments drag forward. I actually no longer come to this site to see the comments. I don't wonder who cares how I feel. I am lost, and at sea. Drifting alone again.

There are moments when my hands reach out to drag in someone else. Clutching and pulling them close. Hoping that they can save me. Really it just seems to make it worse. So I hide the sadness from everyone. I know that people can catch glimpses of it, but I hope that I seem more stoic then sad. Perhaps others view me as more than depressed. I know that the boy wonders why I am sad, lying next to me asking why. Wondering what he can do to make me happy. Odd that there are moments when no one can make me happy but me, and I just don't want to be happy.

Maybe, I should take the time to write out these feelings, to allow myself to analyze the pain. It always seemed to help in the past. Perhaps the fear that this time I will drown is unfounded. We shall see.

Friday's Child

(photo is of New Orleans during the hurricane, but it seems about right to me.)

giving you salty tears. It has been a bad week. Usually I try not to share too much of my drama. I have been accused in the past of trying to solicit pity. But this week has just been a series of bad events.

I stop to get gas. Pay, pump, and jump in the car. Slide my key in the ignition and nothing. Just silence. I wait. Say a silent prayer and then turn the key again. Nothing. I curse. Foul words pouring from my mouth as I dig for my cell phone. Luckily a quick call to the boy produces results. He comes and helps me get the car moving. Following day and several dollars later, it is working again.

Next, I spent the day at the mechanics’, finally making it into work several hours late. Drive home in my newly repaired car, in the pouring rain. Praying through several flooded streets that my car would make it home. I get home and find that my – wait for it – entire apartment is flooded. Ankle deep water covers the entire place. I make another frantic call and secure a wet vac. 30+ gallons of water, several hours with a broom and towels, and I manage to empty all the water out. Luckily just a pile of paperbacks and a picture of me as a teenager in New Orleans is all that is lost.

Lastly, this morning my sweet Great Dane, Bishop had to be put to sleep. Words seem to fail me at this point. And no one is coming to save the day.

Hopefully that is my three bad things, and I will move on to happier times.

Sad Mondays

It is dark and rainy outside, and I feel dark and rainy inside.

Birthday Blah

So Monday is my birthday, but I have taken the day off. I can't stand the idea of being trapped at work on my birthday. I need that day to myself. I need to do the things that I do on the high fish holiday, that is shop and cry. Sometimes I indulge in a facial, but mostly I just shed tears. I can't explain when my birthday turned into this. I enjoy all of February, and look forward to my birthday with the anticipation that most reserve for Christmas, but on the actual day. Well, things just get bad. I want to think that this year will be different, but I am feeling blue already. So I guess that I am Friday's child giving warm salty tears.

Stranger

I'm just wondering why I feel so all alone
Why I'm a stranger in my own life
(Sheryl Crow)

This time of the year is bad for me. It feels lonesome and cold. The new year lies ahead of me, waiting. Terrifying. Lonely. Cold.

Little Prayers

"Even if our efforts of attention seem for years to be producing no result, one day a light that is in exact proportion to them will flood the soul." ~Simone Weil

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I don't know what has been off with me lately. I find myself reading blogs of other women my age, those that have wonderful supportive partners, and those that are enjoying the process of raising a family, and I am overwhelmed with sadness. I want to be able to throw my arms out and spin loose all the pain inside me; and then wrap my arms around someone that understands me.