Escape

The need to escape grows inside me clawing like an animal seeking release. I feel caught, claustrophobic, I gasp for air praying that I will make it out alive. At times in my life the need to leave has been overwhelming - I knew the cost of a one way ticket to London at any given time. It took everything in me not to vanish. I have warned my nearest and dearest that if I vanish, don’t worry, a postcard with a general location will appear eventually.

Happiness abound

This morning I looked in the mirror and realized that I really love myself, the wavy blonde hair, the blue eyes, everything. It was one of those revelations that I have been building to for weeks, well, really years. I have spent a lot of time on the couch, sobbing, laughing and just being, and finally I feel like I am in a great place right now. It is not so much that I feel like I am perfect, but I do feel that those imperfections make me the person that I am, and that is not so bad. I plan to sing and dance all day. I refuse to allow other people to alter my feelings any longer.

Ever the Same - Rob Thomas

There are songs that move me to tears, this is one of those songs that you wish somebody would sing to you or for you.....

We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding to me
Like a someone broken
And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we both fall down
Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you forever in me
Ever the same

We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken
Look at us
Man, this doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we both fall down
Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same

Call on me I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden
I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! Peace, love and all that jazz....

Weather Girl

If I could control the weather, the rain would come - dark and cold as my world is now, the thunder would roll as my heart breaks. Each sob would bring the crack of lighting. The bleak weather would be ever lasting.

My only hope is that it would be a cleansing rain, that when it stops my heart will emerge whole and strong. I pray that the next man that holds this heart in his hands would hold me close to him, and whisper "You are a blessing." Then the sun would come.

Until then, let it rain.

Theme Song

This is my current theme song - lovely song by Duncan Shiek, Barely Breathing -

I know what you’re doing, I see it all to clear I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears You really had me going, wishing on a star But the black holes that surround you are heavier by far I believed in your confusion, you were so completely torn Well it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born There’s not much to examine, there’s nothing left to hide You really can’t be serious if you have to ask me why I say good-bye... ‘Cause I am barely breathing And I can’t find the air I don’t know who I’m kidding Imagining you care And I could stand here waiting A fool for another day But I don’t suppose it’s worth the price, worth the price The price that I would pay

Nothing

I look at you with eyes filled with love and hope; my heart sings and I want to dance and hold you and say "can I be yours?"

I look at you with eyes filled with hate and anger; my heart screams and I want to cry and shake you and say "why wasn't I enough for you?"

I look at you with eyes filled with pity; my heart is numb and I want to do nothing.....

Destruction of a Pedestal

Carefully I build a pedestal, adding to it day by day - allowing you to climb to the top, higher and higher. I think of your blue eyes, your dimple, your boyish good looks, and I continue to build. You do things that men should not do to their loved ones, but the pedestal is tall and it is hard to see your faults. Then she climbs on to the pedestal. Her weight is too much for the structure built so carefully with love. It begins to collapse, taking with it all my love and affection. Surely this pain will have to end. Eventually I am numb the only pain that I feel is the splinters in my hand as I destroy the rest of the pedestal.

Jealousy

JEALOUS - Function: 1: a intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b : disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness 2 : hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage 3 : vigilant in guarding a possession.

Jealous Guy, by John Lennon - I was dreaming of the past. And my heart was beating fast, I began to lose control, I began to lose control, I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sorry that I made you cry, I didn't want to hurt you, I'm just a jealous guy, I was feeling insecure, You night not love me any more, I was shivering inside, I was shivering inside, I was trying to catch your eyes, Thought that you were trying to hide, I was swallowing my pain, I was swallowing my pain.

"Othello": O, beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-ey'd monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on. Spoken by Iago (3.3.189-91)

So how does one go about letting go of all those jealous feelings? How do you forget the feeling of your heart being torn apart while you watch someone you love hold another person?

Superman Dies

A different man, I sigh
Closing my eyes
Lifting my face to the promises
Which flow like a gentle spring rain
Across my face refreshing and cool
Tasting like wine on the tip of my tongue and
Quenching my weary heart
Suddenly the rain turns harsh
Cutting and bruising my skin
The wine turns to ash on my tongue and
My heart breaks with betrayal
I open my eyes
Every man, I sigh

Word of the Day

Webster's word of the day - skulk \SKULK\ verb 1 : to move in a stealthy or furtive manner 2 *a : to hide or conceal something (as oneself) often out of cowardice or fear or with sinister intent b chiefly British : malinger

I just love the sound of it. Everyone should it use in a sentence today! And in the great Peewee fashion, if you hear someone else use it - SCREAM!!

What is in a name?

Beta phishy, perhaps you are thinking why? Well, as I previously noted I am a Pisces. Prone to some of those moody things that those borne in late February - early March are given to. When I do something highly dramatic or overly emotional, my roommate would chasten me and in my defense, I would plead pisces. The argument became "I have a beta fish in me and that I need to attack." Hence the name....with a hippy twist.

The Bracelet

UGH - I am having a dreary, blah day. It is one of those days where you ponder why you continue to get up and carry on.

When I am feeling like this, I like to wear a bracelet that I recently inherited. It is a filigree bracelet with my great grandmother's name engraved along the back - Elmo Williamson. I rub my thumb along her name and imagine this woman that I never met. She is looking down on me, sometimes she shakes her head, but she always wishes the very best things in life for me. At these times, I feel surrounded by love. It gives me a brief moment of peace on these gray days.

Looking for moisture -

Horoscope:
Make the effort to get yourself to some sort of body of water today, dear Pisces. Whether it be the ocean, a river, or even a frozen lake, the sense of expansion and comfort that you will find there will be extremely healing.

The stars are ordering me to locate some moisture, I wonder if rain counts. I hope that my bosses find this a valid excuse to leave the office for the day....

Black Celebration

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy..... going to see Depeche Mode tonight! I don't think that anything could ruin my good mood. On second thought, perhaps I should avoid people until after the show.

Lyrics

I heard a song on the radio this morning and just loved the lyrics of it - just amazingly beautiful - here is just a tiny part of it....

In May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a Day", he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

The Gruge

I recently attended a seminar, and was profoundly touched by the topic of the speech/discussion. It was about gruges, the power that you give people over you and healing. The shocking thing is several people have said that they found it absolutely irrelevant. I want to understanding why it meant so much to me and not others. I am 1.8 years out of the worst relationship ever (dramatic, huh?)! I was in a classic abusive cheating relationship. There are a lot of hateful feelings still there.

I have a fantasy where he is kneeling in front of me - and he goes day by day through our 7 year relationship, and begs my forgiveness for everything. Then he hands me a brick. I begin to beat him until he is nothing but a rather large pile of goo. Suddenly a chorus of heavenly angels descends and begins to dance and sing - perhaps to "Go Shorty" by 50 Cent. Satan arrives and begins to scrap up all the bits of goo into a trash bag, and when he is done - Satan stops and apologizes to me. That, my beloveds, is a GRUGE.

Now to tie it together - power is given to those people that you hold a gruge against. Usually the person simply has no idea how they hurt you. So it is actually you that is continuing to hurt yourself, no longer them. This was amazing to me. Honestly, it felt like a light was being turned on. I am not allowing myself to heal. So I am going to torture innocent readers with my angst for a brief period. Sorry in advance....

These are a few of my favorite things....

Today I was thinking of love and things that I love - so I thought that I would begin a random list of things that make me happy.....

1) the smell of vanilla and cinammon
2) water - rain, a long hot bath, the beach, a mountain stream, bascially water - anyway that I can get it.
3) The idea of running away
4) tulips
5) live music - any kind; any where
6) Phil Collins
7) the smell of exhaust on a wet, cold day
8) napping
9) musicals
10) men in baseball caps
11) Kisses - especially cinnamon flavored ones...
12) the taste of caramel