Right Here

I love the line about imperfections.

_________________________________

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face

But you always find a way to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say to keep you right here waiting

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break

I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillmentI found what I need in you
Why can't you just forgive me
I don't want to relive all the mistakes
I've made along the way
(Staind)

Birthday showers

My birthday: crawled into the shower and cried. I look out at the landscape of my life and it seems filled with peaks and valleys. I know that I should feel blessed. I have a good family, great friends, a good job, and all those things that make a person's life rich. I spend the day alone, doing things that make me happy. In an attempt to shake off the gloom, I get myself a piece of birthday cake, a huge glass of milk and I settle in front of the television to watch a movie that I love. A movie that makes me laugh out loud - still after 20+ viewings. Then I force myself out of the house. Traveling roads that I love to places that make me smile. I feel peaceful, but sad. After a weekend of quite inner thought I have reached some valuable conclusions. I had given my heart to someone that was careless with it, and to continue to do that is for me to be careless with my heart. I can't allow myself to do that anymore. I can't be the source of my own pain. I realized to that I was mourning a dream that I had lost, but it is still there, it just needs to be recast. I need to find someone that loves, cherishes and respects me. Until then, I love, cherish and respect myself enough not to be sad anymore.

My horoscope confirms it -
Being single is a luxury, because it gives you time to determine what changes you want to make in life. You can transform and rediscover yourself in any way you'd like -- you control your own destiny.

Happy Birthday

AH! Now I understand what is wrong with me.

Poor little me....

Some days the sadness hits me from no where. I suddenly miss him in a completely overwhelming fashion. I want to just run away from the pain. I don't understand it.

Shhhhh.......

Be very, very quite....we're hunting rabbits....

I am pleased to announce that the week of drinking build up worked like a charm. Thus the need for silence. I am a little worried about what the weekend might contain.

Today has that slightly "twilight zone" feeling to it. Staggered to my desk this morning to find two flower arrangments on my desk. One from my bosses, quite lovely and the other.....a beautiful tulip arrangement, I tugged out the card wondering who could have sent them. Imagine my shock to find that they were from my ex! I am shocked that he got the flowers and the timing right.

Sad Songs

Goodness - I never paid attention to how depressing drinking songs are. It fits my current mind frame, but sort of defeats my intended purpose. I think I might have to switch to party songs....

---------------

Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight
It's 2 A.M.,
I'm drunk again

It's heavy on my mind
I could never love again
So much as I love you
Where you end, where I begin
Is like a river going through

Take my heart, take my eyes
'Cause I'll need them no more
If never again they'll fall upon
The one I so adore

'Scuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong?
'Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My Grace is Gone
One more drink and I'll move on
(Dave Mathews Band)

Fall to Pieces

Not a drinking song, but when I drink later, I will probably cry to it. I guess I am breaking my own rules.

-------------------

I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you

Today's the day
I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

and I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you
You're the only one,
I'd be with till the end
(Avril Lavigne)

Repeat

Previously posted, but still very true. As I approach the birthday weekend, I have to remind myself that those little wishes are valuable. I don't want to waste any more of them!

Back to work...

As promised, my sweets, more drinking songs - and this one manages to combine my heartbreak and the Lone Star State at the same time!

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Without your love I might head across the border
Without your love I might I might find some comfort there
Without your love Tecate and tequila would help sort of
Without your love I might head across the border

Texas isn't big enough for both of us
Without your love
It just isn't muchTexas isn't big enough for both of us you see
Without your love
It's not big enough for me

(Ugly Americans)

Motivation

Aside from my obvious desire to look like a Victoria's Secret model, I have an intense motivation that keeps me working out when I think of stopping. I am on the bike; it is intensely hot and humid with body sweat. I lean into the bike, the instructor screams for us to push it. In that moment, my mind clears and I picture him out, and he sees me. It is the look on his face that is my motivation, a look of shock that I am different than before; leaner, self-possessed, healthy, beautiful, perhaps even ravishing. I want to see a look of utter amazement on his face. I want it to be followed with a flood of desire. I don't want to hurt him, I never want him to hurt. I don't seek to punish him. I just want for one moment, for him to see me as a super hot creature. It works every time.

Beta Fish

Horoscope:

When you're startled, one never knows what you might say or do in response -- that goes for any situation. But now that you're feeling a bit more emotional than usual, if there's anyone who's been toying with you unfairly of late, it might be wise to warn them that you're not always this nice. Not that you won't always be nice -- but they should keep in mind that there really are two of you in there.

This is the perfect horoscope for today. It also reflects the reasoning behind the title of the blog; my two fish are constantly fighting inside me. I always know the right thing to do but inevitably I choose the path with the most pain attached.

My Favorite Irish Drinking Song!!

This is my favorite Irish Drinking Ballad. It puts me in the mood to slam back drink after drink. It awakens in me a longing for the mother land - those emerald isles...

---------------------------------------

There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every step I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called "must we"
just before the son has come.

Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
something but the past and done?
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.

I just want to start this over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.

Mother Mary won't you whisper
something but the past and done.
Mother Mary won't you whisper
something but the past and done.

Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we sleep forever.

Okay, so it is actually Sober by Tool, but you can't tell me that it does not make you want to get drunk....

Setting the mood....

I am preparing for the big birthday weekend. I am trying to get myself in a party mood, so I think that the blog will be featuring a LOT of drinking songs, drunken stories and party thoughts for the rest of the week.....

Jose Cuervo you are a friend of mine
I like to drink you with a little salt and lime
Every time we get together
I sure have a good time
You're my friend
You're the best
Mi amigo(Tequila)

Cuervo you are a friend of mine
I like to drink you with a little salt and lime
Did I kiss all the cowboys?
Did I shoot out the lights?
Did I dance on the bar?
Did I start a fight?

(Shelley Winters)

HBA

The crowd grows silent as I make my way to the stage. I slide behind the podium and lower my head to the microphone. I glance around nervously, feeling all eyes on me. "Hello, my name is BP and I am a heart break addict. It has been two months since I acted sane." I glance over my shoulder at my sponsor, and she quickly motions for me to go on. With a sigh, I look around at the friendly faces of others that are recently brokenhearted, and find the courage to continue.

"I am trying to be good. I have deleted numbers, emails and texts. Even silly emails that I had saved, like my favorite Monty Python skit that he had sent to me. I deleted them all. The only thing that I have not deleted is a text from him that simply says, "Love ya." I know that I should, but I still can’t quite bring myself to delete that one. I still miss him, and sometimes when I think that it was all a dream, I look at it to reassure myself." Someone in the crowd, called out that they understood, and I felt oddly relieved.

I continue, "Last night, I realized that I was doing the oddest thing. I had tried to remove things that triggered memories. However, I was holding on to something that no one would even imagine was his. I don’t even comprehend what I was doing it. The last time that we were together, I was helping him wrap Christmas presents. We had a nice evening. There was talk of the future, about wrapping presents next year. Then later in the evening when we were together, he did something different. He placed his arm under me, his hand in the middle of my back, as if he was holding me close to him during sex. It was a very comforting sensation. When I went home, I dropped the wrapping paper in the middle of my bedroom. I had planned to put it away later, then we stopped being together, and there the paper sat. I could not bring myself to put it away. It was a stark reminder of my last happy night. So last night, after I realized what I was doing, holding on to that past, I took the paper and put it away. When I closed the closet door behind me, I smiled." Looking across the crowd I saw understanding, and I felt my addiction cease.

Animal - Nickleback

I love the lyrics to this song, especially the following one. Reminds me of someone who used to drive me home occasionally........


You're beside me on the seat
Got your hand between my knees
And you control how fast we go by just how hard you wannasqueeze
It's hard to steer when you're breathing in my ear
But I got both hands on the wheel while you got both hands on mygears
By now, no doubt that we were heading south
I guess nobody ever taught her not to speak with a full mouth
'Cause this was it, like flicking on a switch
It felt so good I almost drove into the ditch

Tell me something....

“I need closure!” I scream. I lash out, angry and hurt, seeking only to prolong contact with him. I understand now that I did not want closure. Nothing said to me at that time would have made the sting of rejection less. I only wanted to hear him say again; that he had loved me. That was my heart holding on to feelings that needed to end. I demanded things that could not be given to me, like a child screaming for attention. Now with distance and perspective, I look back and understand. Perhaps, I should feel ashamed of my actions. But no, they reflect the fact I felt something deep and passionate. Those actions allowed my heart to find peace.

Showers

I enter the shower allowing the dampness to pull me in. Standing there I imagine that the water is him; his tongue, his mouth, his hands. The water spilling over my body brings back a flood of memories of him. I pretend that he is there with me in the shower. He leans down to me, kissing me, stroking me, loving me. I press against his body as the water flows over us. We take turns rubbing our soapy hands along each other's bodies. Gently he leans me back against the shower wall, pushing me up, sliding into me. Deeper and deeper he plunges, keeping me pinned against the walk. Moaning I pull him closer to me wanting more, needing him deeper. In slow moist strokes he takes me until we both shudder. Grinning, he leans against me, kissing me one last time.

I just love daydreaming in the shower.....

Top Ten

Top Ten George W. Bush New Year's Resolutions

10. Fewer decisions based on wild, drunken hunches
9. Have N.S.A. find out what really happened between Nick and Jessica
8. Stop using Situation Room monitors to play X-Box 360
7. More C-SPAN, less "Yes, Dear"
6. Team up with leading scientists to make Cheetos even cheesier
5. To capture and bring to justice King Kong
4. Beat the twins at beer pong
3. Respond to reporters questions with, "Bitch, don't go there"
2. Scale back on grueling 12-hour work week
1. "Who needs resolutons? Everything is fine"

(David Letterman)

Valentine Postsecret Rewind

I found this one very moving. It is not how I feel, but I understand it.

The stars at night.....

The cool night air caresses me, making me feel at peace. At night the smells are more exotic, the stars infinite and the air thick; it seems more visceral, at times even alive.

When I was young, a friend of mine carefully laid out the stars over my bed, mapping out specific constellations. They pointed out Orion’s belt, the big and little dipper. I would lie in my bed at night and gazing up at these glowing stars, seeking out the points of the big dipper and drift off to sleep.

Perhaps it is because I don’t sleep. Late at night, I toss and turn my mind refusing to let go of things. I reach for the car keys and head out the door. I drive to La Grange or Eagle Lake. I turn on the music, roll down the window and stare at the sky. I still seek out the points to those familiar constellations and am finally able to breathe.

During my divorce, many years ago, I would drive home from San Antonio on the weekends to escape. It is a five hour drive and much to the chagrin of my parents, I traveled it during the middle of the night. Looking back now, those trips back and forth to San Antonio at 3:00 a.m. were some of the best moments of that year.

On a road trip with different ex to Lubbock. The drive was miserable, we fought constantly, but between Dallas and Lubbock, he went to sleep and I got to breath in the night. The stars in the panhandle seem to leap out of the sky. That moment saved the trip for me. Those stars and sitting in the Lubbock needle, all alone, staring out into the Texas night with a small jazz band playing, “Fly me to the Moon.” I think that is the moment that I knew that I had to leave him.

I think that I might need to make a road trip very soon, perhaps tonight; I feel the need to escape into the night again.

Fell in love with a boy.....

How is it that the day after Valentine's day is more lonesome than the actual day?

Fell in love with a boy
I fell in love once and almost completely
He's in love with the world
And sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
He turns and says, "Are you alright?"
Oh, I must be fine cause my heart's still beating

- Joss Stone & Whitestrips

Voyeur

I watch him lean in, pulling her tightly towards him. Gently he brushes a lock of her hair away and begins kissing her. It is the sort of kiss that makes others around weak with desire. You can see the love flood his face. All the memories of talking, touching, laughing and kissing fill his mind. I wanted to be this girl, his princess. I am nothing like her. She left him broken, and I hate her for that.

Here with me

I am a little sad that the person that I wanted to celebrate this and every day with is not mine. I am not enjoying my days.
---------------------------
Dido - Here With Me

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory

Oh I am what I am
I do what I want
But I can't hide
And I won't go I won't sleep I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me

And I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me

I don't want to call my friends
For they might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been

Tell me how you like it.....

I am giving shags for Valentine's....

Valentine's Day

He calls - asking what I want for valentine's day. I feel the laughter bubbling up inside. This is the man that during our relationship did many surprising things on valentine's day. I can't imagine how two years after its death, he could ask that question. One year, he gave me a card wishing me a happy valentine's day from the "whole gang" and I don't think that he meant him and all his ladies. Then the last valentine's of our relationship, he purchased my card and his new girlfriend's card together. However, I got a stuffed purple frog (exactly) and she got a designer purse. Then that night they took turns calling me from their hotel room. I told him to surprise me. I hope he doesn't send a mail bomb.....

Sheryl Crow - Strong Enough to be my Man

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage
I cannot fight
I'd be the last to help you understand

Are you strong enough to be my man?
Nothing's true and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can't change the way I am

Are you strong enough to be my man?
Lie to me I promise
I'll believe
Lie to me
But please don't leave, leave, don't leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
So try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Favorite Aquarian

Sunday was my brother’s birthday. It is amazing to me to picture him grown-up with kids of his own. In my mind he will always be 14, the age that he was when I moved away from home, no longer a daily part of his life. I spent sometime thinking about him. He is the one person that grew-up with the same views, opinions, and habits as mine. Those views that are based upon our parents actions and our family history. He is the only other person in the world that says breakfast the same way that I do. Tending to leave out the "k," I don’t know which of us influenced the other. If I said it wrong and taught him, or if he could never pronounce it so it became ours. I think of those odd family things.

He was so scared growing up, and being the loving big sister, I took advantage of this. I would sing the "Twilight Song" theme song in my silly little girl voice, I would use Ouija boards as devices of torture, toss little rain frogs into the bath. Those horrible things, that brothers and sisters do to each other. I can picture him, sleeping at the foot of my bed (after being kicked out of my parent’s room) then I deemed myself too grown up for that. He would then sleep on the floor between my closed bedroom door and my parents. Terrified of whatever monsters were creeping around his room or mind late at night. Looking back he must have been scared to death, his little six-year-old body centered between two ports of safety.

I hope that he had a wonderful birthday.

Valentine Postsecret

So true.

Double, double toil and trouble

Fire burn, and caldron bubble.

{Cackle} It appears that stars are telling me that my voyage of bodily perfection is not to be in vain. All the hours of sweat, lack of food, odd tasting supplements and gallons of water have been a wise, nay even brilliant, move. Behold my daily horoscope -

These planets are here to aver that you can not only get what you want, you can get what you need, provided you're willing to put in the necessary toilage, including but not limited to long hours and (literally and figuratively) tasks that can generously be described as gruntlike if the long-term payoff seems feasible.

Wine, song and jeans

Life is a song. I am in a brilliant mood. I arrived home last night after gym to discover the roommate was not working (shocking!) and in the mood for an evening out. I jumped in the shower, and while getting dressed, I thought that I would just try, for no reason really, my goal jeans. Jeans that I have not been able to wear in years. I had hoped to fit in them by my birthday at the end of this month. So I pull them up, they slide over my hips. I reach for the button and it buttons and then the zipper slides up. AMAZING, I am standing in my living room in jeans that were too tight just a couple of months ago. So - I wore them out, drank half a bottle of wine and laughed my ass off with my roommate in the freezing cold on the patio of a local bar. It was a very soothing night for the soul.

In the stars.....

Goodness, this sounds like amazing news - here is hoping.....

You're just a love magnet today, and people will find themselves helplessly attracted to your radiant beauty and undeniable coolness. Don't worry about overdoing it -- others can't get enough.

Invasion

Oh, my life is grand. I sail into work on a cloud, I am in a great mood. A favorite dress of mine is now too big, so the gym is paying off. I get to work, still happy, only to realize that a friend of a friend is reading my blog. Silly perhaps but this is not someone that I want judging me. Suddenly I am not happy. Sure I post personal things, but in a cloak of secrecy. I am like the riddler, an enigma. Unknown! So, I have moved the blog and changed the spelling from the hippie version to the normal version. I sort of feel like a secret agent now.....

Stormy weather

I wish that it were stormy outside. It feels strange that it is such beautiful weather. I am feeling a bit melancholy. I had wanted so much from my past relationship, even now I had hoped for an ability to move past the bitter feelings toward those normal feelings of friendship. He and I started as friends, and it would have been nice to end that way. It is hard because I still talk too much about my feelings, and he will not talk at all about his. I feel like I have been turned inside, raw and exposed. I sling words like rocks hoping that it will sting him and cause him to feel hurt. I hate myself for doing it afterwards. It is something in me that is broken. I am trying to heal it. My therapist thinks that I should view this past relationship as a good thing, a learning experience. I don't talk to my friends about it any longer, the few that know offer harsh advice and say things that lay heavy on my heart. When I protect him, they look at me as if I have failed some basic test of womanhood, perhaps I have.

February - Month of Magic

I feel that birthdays are special individual holiday. That is just my nature. A day for each person to feel blessed. Now for me, I hold the belief that it is not just my birthday, but my birth month, I get all 28 days, and on special years 29. I like to view it as my month of decadence. This year, however, I am greatly offended by Valentine's Day being smack in the middle of my month. I know that it has always been there looming on the 14th, but this year it seems more a farce than ever before. I have asked my roommate to be my date this year. Sad, I agree, but at least she kisses better than most of the guys that I know.

Legal Aid

His secretary announces me. I stride in wearing a very well fitted, tiny, pinstripe suit and black high heels. My hair is pulled back in a tight straight blonde ponytail. As she shuts the door, I sit on his desk in front of him, arching my back and allowing my legs to fall open. He is aware that there is nothing between him and I, no barrier. He grins and reaches for me. I lean forward, shaking my head and crossing my legs. I silently raise and reach down to kiss him, and slowly move into his lap. Whispering nasty little thoughts into his ear, I begin to feel the pressure of his arousal. Slowly I slide to my knees and gaze up at him. I say "Please", moaning he leans back into his chair, and I reach for him. I take him in my hands, stroking and caressing until I feel him throbbing in my hand. I move closer, tasting him, kissing, licking and sucking, letting my hands explore his body. I can feel the hot, moist excitement building in my own body. I can smell the excitement sharp and tangy on the air. He reaches for my hair, pulling it and I gasp. With that he shudders and moans. I silently stand up, straighten my skirt, and lick of my lips. Heading for the door, I glance back over my shoulder, and with a smile I thank him for his brilliant legal advice.

A bit too much drama

So I was very bad and read something that I NEVER should have read. I thought that it would hurt more. I only felt a small prick of pain and then nothing, it was as if the last of my heart broke. It is that nothing that keeps me going. When I want to cry, I focus on that feeling. It is the thing that forces me to the gym on a nearly daily basis, it keeps me on salads, when I would love a burger. It is a new part of my being, this empty spot where my heart used to be. I am learning to love the feeling. I know that I will not be hurt again, because there is nothing to hurt.

Shower

I actually thought that I was the only person that did this.

Pink lace dreams

I feel him slide under the covers behind me, and he whispers in my ear, “I have missed you.” I slide my body into the angle of his and gasp as I discover that he is naked and hard. I moan as he slides his hands along my thigh. “What is this that you are wearing?” He questions, as he pulls the covers from my body exposing the little pink lace teddy and thong. With a moan he lowers his head to the creamy white exposed mounds of my breasts. Slowly he begins to untie the laces; licking, kissing and nibbling each inch of exposed skin as he slowly strips my clothes away. I run my fingers through his hair, gently guiding him further and further down my body. My body tingles, I feel moist and anxious for him. I moan and arch against the feeling of his mouth on my body. I burn with desire as he leans above my naked body, and with a slight grin, he pushes inside me, filling me up. I moan and move slightly under him, allowing him deeper access to me. He begins to thrust against me, and with each stroke, I arch my back matching his pace. I grind my hips into him and wrap my legs around his waist, as he thrusts over and over. Suddenly the world drops out from underneath me and I feel him shudder against simultaneously. I open my eyes, and realize that it was just a dream. Silently cursing I remind myself to buy more batteries.

Postsecret

This is a wonderful postsecret card. I wish I felt this way. I had breakfast with my roommate on Saturday, and explained to her my recent actions. I get invited out all the time, and I have begun to make up excuses as to why I am not available. All I want to do is stay protected. I don't want to get hurt again. She says that my friends would not hurt me, but just want me to be happy. None of them even know about the relationship/break-up. I guess my card would be I miss feeling safe.

Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me - The Smiths

Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

So, tell me how long
Before the last one?
And tell me how long
Before the right one?

The story is old - I know
But it goes on
The story is old - I know
But it goes on

Texas Saturdays

It is an amazing Saturday, a perfect Houston winter day, although it feels more like spring. I have just finished dancing half naked around the living room for hours, jumping from song to song. I am sure that the neighbors are bewildered as music from every generation and genre pour out the windows, but I am in heaven. I dance and sing for only myself never caring who might peek through the windows. Finally, I stop and slowly crawl up the stairs toward the sun porch. I long for the sun. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs. Resting my chin on my arms I tilt my face to the sun. I have put in the Smiths for this time of soul searching. I sit quietly, just me and the dogs, enjoying the weather and daydreaming the afternoon away. I finally understand that although I am not happy about losing him, I am happy. I love the solitude of being alone. I love spending time doing what I like, with no concerns for what others might think of these actions. I feel completely at peace. I sing along to the music and bask in the perfect Texas day.

Later, I slip into the shower, letting the intense heat wash away all the tension from my body. I start my new past time. I have begun writing blogs in my head. Little journal entries, I try them out and test the texture and tone of them. Many times they take on a rambling life of their own. Sometimes I address them to him, letters from my soul, telling him everything in my heart. Sharing the pain, explaining how I miss him, asking if he misses me too. I wonder if he ever reads this anymore. I don’t try to pretend that I am vital to his life, but I wonder if perhaps on occasion….. I wonder what he thinks as he reads. If he finds it humorous, sad, frustrating or pathetic, this inability I have to quickly cut him from my heart. I fear that it is a mixture of humor and relief that he managed to free himself. I know that I mostly feel a deep humiliation; I acted like such a love sick fool. I let the water wash away all the pain, and emerge feeling again at peace.

Habits

I long to communicate with him. It has been several days since I have heard from him and I miss him. My fingers itch to send a message, I want to just know that he is well. How long does it take for a habit to fade? How long will I feel this pull?

I want to know if he misses me to, I wonder if he misses my laughter, my smile, me. I fear that I was never really me for him. That in all those months I was wrapped up in his feelings and pain for other people. That he will never miss me because he never knew me, never loved me. Was I just someone that was there when he need something, and then I became a habit for him, and suddenly he realized that I felt more than he did?

I should be grateful that he has set me free to find someone that will love me, that will know me and that will cherish me. I wanted it to be him, but that was a fantasy.

I told him goodbye and expressed my feelings for him. Told him that he was amazing and that he deserved happiness. I did not get that in return and it hurts, but now I think that perhaps by not giving it to me, I got it anyway. There was nothing for him to say, because in his heart he did not feel that strongly. So goodbye...

I thought and cried about this all night long, and this turns out to be my horoscope for the day:

Success in love requires changing a thought or two. This may seem difficult, but it's a lot easier than your alternative. Thoughts become words, which become actions, which become habits, which become lifestyles ...

That's all - Genesis

Oh - Phil, I had forgotten this song, but these two verses really sort of sum things up....

I could leave but I won't go but it'd be easier I know
I can't feel a thing from my head down to me toes
But why does it always seem to be me looking at you
You looking at me it's always the same, it's just a shame, that's all

Truth is I love you more than I wanted to
There's no point in trying to pretend
There's been no one who makes me feel like you do
Say we'll be together till the end

Habitat for Humanity

Saturday morning, I am on a roof - hammering away, when I spot a woman that is totally HIS type, brown hair, large and curvy with a pretty smile. Not the type that he thinks is his type, but the type that I see him with. The type that if they were out together people would think they were a cute couple, that they matched. I used to be curvy, but I will not be any more. Now I want my outside to match my inside. Inside I am broken, I feel like my heart is in sharp pieces. Sometimes it hurts to simply breathe. I want to be like that outside, I want to be sharp and angular, no curves. The planes of my face should be hollow, cheekbones high and eyes larger. Already I see this in my face, the angles, reflecting my soul. I wanted to ask her if she were single, but I could not.

It's the end of the world as we know it.....

Motley Crue basking in their glory.....

We have all lap danced to "Ten Seconds to Love," but really a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Isn't there a limited amount of those things? I am not sure, but I do believe that this might be one of the signs of the apocalypse, right after the locusts.

3:00 A.M.

It is three in the morning, I toss and turn. It appears that sleep is evading me once again. I can't seem to turn off my weary mind. I continue to think of lost love, lost chances, and regret. I wonder what I did wrong. What I could have changed. Gently in the background The Cars play, I turned them on to help rock me to sleep, but it is not helping. The beat of every song, I change into another song, a sadder song. I sigh and stare at the wall, watching the lights from cars passing by. I wonder where he is, if he is sleeping and if he is sleeping alone. It hurts more. I pull the blanket between my legs and hug it close. In my mind it becomes his body. I press my knees against his leg. I wrap my arms around his arm, and press the tip of my nose to his shoulder. I can still smell him, that clean warm smell. I think that maybe I should give into the fantasy, I should allow this safe feeling to linger. I give myself to this false feeling and slow I drift off to dreams of him. I will deal with the reality tomorrow.

Nickleback - Figured You Out

I had forgotten how much I loved this song until I was driving to the gym last night and it came on the radio. Don't you love dancing all the way to the gym? This is the best verse.

Figured You Out

I like your pants around your feet
And I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favorite damn disease