Morning Ritual

I wake with that empty longing pulling at my soul. I reach out for comfort only to realize that there is no one. I slide my hands down slowly, seeking to soothe myself. My hands glide down to the warmth. Slowly my fingers become damp and what is soft becomes hard. I rock myself towards the gentle release of oblivion. My mind fills with images, it is suddenly his hands on my body, I can feel his mouth upon mine. I hear his voice whispering in my ear. A gentle moan slips past my lips. I reach out for this phantom lover and softly whisper his name, as if some primal part of me still belongs to him. My body shakes with release, and suddenly I am bitterly ashamed. Why do I still long so deeply for someone that has cut me with his withdrawal from my life?

Men vs. Women

He says, "I could have you back, if I wanted to." What a woman hears, "[you stupid, ugly, cow] I could have you back [because you are too stupid to realize that I only wanted you for sex, and then only because I was desperate], if I wanted to [but I don't because you are a pathetic waste of my time]". What a man means (of course, I am just guessing) "Of course you want me, everyone wants me, I am perfect, now suck my dick."

Postsecret deux

Another card that I love. This feeling currently dwells within my heart.

Tulips

My favorite flowers, and it is currently the beginning of their season. I purchased a dozen purple ones last night in a vain attempt to cheer myself up. They sit - gently drooping in their vase on my coffee table. It is a cheerful sight to behold, but it still does not lessen the pain in my heart. I have this horrible habit of giving over my favorite things to past relationships. Movies, songs, smells that I once loved that remind me of that time or that person are shut out of my life. I fear losing my tulips to him. He was the only man that knew my favorite flower.

Single Girl and the Gym

As you all know, I am no longer in a conjugal relationship, and have not been for about a month. This makes my beloved spin class a wee bit hard. All that riding, up and down, hovering, sliding back in the seat, hanging low, is just a bit more banging around then I need, unless the gym is going to start passing out “C” batteries as I head out the door. On top of this, one of my spin instructors loves to play sexy music. So I am jumping up and down while listening to Brittany sing about being a slave. Add to this that it is the gym, some of those people have been working out for years, and it shows. So it is not like a bunch of fat people sweating. It is a lot of hot people sweating. It is going to be a hard couple of months.

Recovery

I almost feel like I have graduate from College. All the pain and toil of school, to the eventual conclusion. That is what this is like. I managed to go all the way through an hour of therapy without crying. Not one single tear. To add to that, I don't have to go back for another two weeks, instead of every week. I guess I am starting to appear sane.

Postsecret

I saw this on a blog this morning, and it complete expresses my feelings at the moment. I love that it is in red, because my heart screams this.

Life Under the Bridge

Driving to work today, I noticed a homeless man walking along under a bridge. Suddenly it struck me that it might be nice to change places with this man, to lead a life where your only concern is panhandling enough money to buy food and drink. Where the only people that talk to you are the people in your head, and I would presume that your personal internal friends are generally kind and considerate. Where you don’t have to worry about getting your heartbroken because you have given up on human contact. Driving I thought that perhaps on days like today, cold and dreary days, you could stay bundled in your sleeping bag and watch all the people racing to work and dreaming of a life that is lost or just chatting with your internal pals. Of course, I don’t imagine that it is a good thing for a 34 year old to be fantasizing about being a bag lady. Perhaps it is something that I should share with my therapist, but then I don’t share much with her, I just sit for an hour on her couch and cry. I cry for a love that I thought that I felt that seems to be lost or even imagined. I cry because I think that it might wash away the pain. I cry because I don’t know if I can stop anymore. Perhaps the man under the bridge has an easier life, for some reason I doubt that he cries.

I also saw a man in the elevator drinking a smoothie and briefly contemplated the life of a straw. That is just because I am beginning to feel a bit edgy. I am used to a certain amount (read, lots) of physical interaction and it has been about a month now.

Your Beautiful - James Blunt

So an ex called this week and he told me that the following song reminded him of me.

My life is brilliant. My love is pure. I saw an angel. Of that I'm sure. She smiled at me on the subway. She was with another man. But I won't lose no sleep on that, 'cause I've got a plan. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true, I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do, cause I'll never be with you. Yeah, she caught my eye, as I walked on by. She could see from my face that I was, fucking high, and I don't think that I'll see her again, but we shared a moment that will last till the end. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. I saw your face in a crowded place, and I don't know what to do,'cause I'll never be with you. Lalala lalala lalala lalala laaaaaa You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. There must be an angel with a smile on her face, when she thought up that I should be with you. But it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you

The funny thing about this is that in the 7 years that we were together he never told me that I was beautiful. As a matter of fact, he found it very hard to keep his pants up when another girl was in the room. Funny thing life, you suddenly realize that you had a good thing once it is gone, or you are the one saying thank God that is over. Goodness, I hope he meets a new girl soon......

Ever Changing Life

It is an odd thing when you realize that the life you had last month is not the life that you will have ever again. Something has been changed, altered, taken away from you. I have been so caught up with being sad and upset, that I failed to take into account anything else. I mean, I would still prefer to not have had the heartbreak, but now each day is a mystery. Something new and adventurous. My life is unfolding before me, and the man, if there ends up being one, is hidden in the clouds. He can be anyone or anything. Old or young, beautiful or rugged, rich or (giggle) well, not as rich. I get the chance to dream again. I guess that I could should be grateful for at least that. Not grateful to him, but grateful that I have the ability to recover from pain and begin to see a glimmer of hope. Now if I can just hold on to this feeling for the rest of the day. Each day becomes easier after that.

The Man, The Myth and The Legend

The New York Rangers have retired Mark Messier's number 11. I still have my Sports Ill. with the Rangers winning the Cup in 1994.

Mr. Brightside and a Therapist

Mr. Brightside - Killers

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking the drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head

But she's touching his chest now
He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Feeling a wee bit better today. Went to my therapist yesterday, and she validated all my painful feelings. It was nice to have someone say it is okay for you to be sad.

And we are off....

If I couldn't sleep could you sleep
Could you paint me better off
Could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot

I started out clean but I'm jaded
Just phoning it in
Just breaking the skin

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

"Bent" - Matchbox 20

Last night I discovered that I have no tears left inside me for my current last relationship. I so want to remain close - I could never get to the hate stage. I want to be there for him while he struggles with other things in his life, but I think perhaps he does not understand. He fears further hurting me, but what he does not understand is that he hurt me as deeply as possible, and as it is healing, I am letting go of some emotions. I could never be hurt again by him, I have imagined the most horrible things in my mind. Now I just want to be just friends, people that talk and are concerned for each others well being. Hopefully, that day will come.

Behind these Hazel Eyes - K. Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong

Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be

The lecture

So - I vowed to stop. No more discussions about it, no more tears in front of friends. All the pain would be saved for the privacy of my own home or perhaps the car. I confess that I have a weakness for sad songs (Damn that Elton John). So the roomie and I are sitting in a local Italian restaurant, and she asks how I am. I tell her I don't want to discuss it anymore. "Well, are you thinking about it?" Well, of course, that is all I do. Then the lecture begins. You have to find a guy that appreciates you, and your personality. Which anyone that knows me would say is um, quirky.

I know that she is right. I need a man that understands my love of the push up, padded bra, and appreciates the brown boots. A man that realizes that I love music, not just one type, all of it, anything with a beat and lyrics that make you to stop and think. I love standing in the dark in front of a live band, any band and dancing. No drinking, no flirting, just a pure love of the live music scene. I want someone that knows if I have vanished that I am one of two places, the gym or curled up with a book. I deserve someone that gets my sense of humor. My very odd, very dry sense of humor. A man that knows that I have a strong sense of friendship and would do anything for people that I love, and is thankful for it.

Ipod

Missing my baby. Apple sent me the most beautiful rock in lue of the Ipod that I ordered for a Christmas present. Well today - Fed Ex came and took my baby away. All that I have is this photo and my memories.....

Oh Lonesome Me. - R. Orbison

Everybody’s going out and having fun
I’m a fool for staying home and having none.
I can’t get over how she set me free.
Oh, lonesome me.
There must be some way that I can lose these lonesome blues
Forget about my past and find someone new
I’ve thought of everything from a to z
Oh, lonesome me.
I’ll bet she’s not like me.
She’s out and fancy free,
Flirting with the boys with all her charms
But I still love her so,
And brother don’t you know
I’d welcome her right back here in my arms

Sounds about right for me now. Don't you think? http://www.pcdon.com/country_comfort.html - you can find Ray Charles version on this website.

Heartbreak

No tears last night. I am amazed, I think that it is the first day that I have not cried since that fateful Thursday when my heart was crushed. Finally I feel like I am standing on solid ground again. I am forcing myself to sing along with the radio, watch silly movies, dance in the living room. I still wish that I could hate him, or at least stop loving him so much. Perhaps it time those feelings will soften into something less bitter.

What the heck?

Friday night - still broken hearted, still trying not to cry. How did I become this weak creature that can't seem to just move on. I have puzzled it out in my mind, but still in the dark all alone, I cry. All my friends say - his loss, you are better off, what where you thinking, but I can't make myself see him through their eyes. UGH! I go out to a concert, thinking that being around hippies and some friends will cheer me up. I mean all that positive, if not slightly stoned energy, should erase the worst of funks. Why suddenly do I just see couples?

Was it worth it?

She sits across from me a gentle smirk crosses her lips, “Well, I hope that the sex was worth it.” She whispers. Instantly my mind tumbles across hours between the sheets; touching, caressing and whispering to each other. Always with him it was fun and playful. I sigh, looking down at my hands, “Yes, it was worth it.” She looks amazed, rolling her eyes. I start to tell her, anything something to make her understand what I am feeling. She stops me. Why can’t I make her understand the depth of these feelings? I sigh again, I never made him see, so why would I expect her to see. This is my own, a private pain, one that must be dealt with and forgotten. Still I wonder, was it worth it to him.