Stars speak....

PISCES: Make plans with an old friend -- you'll get the lowdown on all sorts of items that you would've missed out on otherwise. In fact, something that you hear might be very important to your future.

Interesting, very very interesting.....

Here I come to save the day....

It might be time to enlist some of my super powers......

Sleeping....

The sun peeks gently through the curtains,
gliding closer and closer towards me.
"Arise, arise" he calls.
Silently I curl away,
"No, no, awake is not what I want to be."

I sleep walk through my days,
neither here nor there.
I am blissfully unaware.
In my dreams there is nothing wrong,
no loss of love or pain.

I might not be the girl you knew,
but I am still me inside.
I just want to sleep one more day,
I no longer want to cry.

Ugh! I think that John Lennon said it better - "People say I'm lazy dreaming my life away,Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me"

Lions, attorneys and bears - oh, my....

My life is filled with treacherous things. But I am beginning to think that it is nothing a fabulous pair of slippers will not cure...

Everybody hurts

Suddenly a song dwells in my heart. I hear it all around. The video was filmed in San Antonio, on a highway not yet finished. Now it reminds me of heartache and a city I love.

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, well hang on
Don’t let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. now it’s time to sing along
(REM)

Happy Slave's Day....

Closure

I took some time yesterday to read over my blog. It is hard to go revisit the pain. The feelings and sadness were recognizable, given that they so recently occurred in my life, but not feelings that I currently hold. In a small way, it is sad to look back and see this woman, so stricken with the grief of losing one that she held dear to her heart. However, it is healing to realize that I finally have some closure in my life. I dreamed he was the one. I prayed for the day that everything would just fall into place and it would be happily ever after. Now I understand that I was blinded by the love. Pulled back from that time and place, viewing it through non-rose colored glass, I see it for what it was. I see him for what he is, and I see me for what I am – finally.

Pursuit of Perfection

In the dark I stretch my body further. The sound of spinning wheels and panting fill the air. I push my body just a little harder, just a little faster, right to the brink of pain. Suddenly endorphins flood my body, I shudder from the release. Studying the people around me, my eyes glide over all the beautiful people. I watch as sweat glistens along his lightly tanned skin, his legs pumping in time with the music. Is he as broken inside as I am? Is this the secret that no one shared before? The pursuit of perfection now seems the only thing that I can control in my life. Perhaps if my body is perfect, no one will notice that I never smile.

Cowboy up -

It is cowboy appreciation day here on the blog.... so, sing it Willie.....

I'd have to be crazy
to stop all my singing
and never play music again.

You'd call me a fool
if I put on a top hat
and ran out to flag down the wind.

I'd have to be weird
to grow me a beard
just to see what the rednecks would do.

I'd have to be crazy
plum out of my mind
to fall out of love with you.

You know I
(and I don't intend to)
But should there come a day,
when I say that I don't love you
They'll lock me away ay ay.

It sure would be weird
to live in an envelope
waiting along for a stamp

You'd swear I was loco
to rub for a genie
while burning my hand on the lamp

And I may not be normal
but nobody is
so I'd like to say 'fore I'm through
I'd have to be crazy
plum out of my mind
to fall out of love with you
(Willie Nelson)

Yearly Check-up

PISCES: Don't underestimate your inner strength. It could be that you seem rather overpowered by the things going on around you, but don't let these things keep you from being the person who you truly are.

I spent some time in quite introspection last night and came to some interesting conclusions.

THINGS I HAVE LOST THIS YEAR:

My best friend

My self-esteem

Ability to continue trusting

Love

THINGS THAT I AM LOSING THIS YEAR:

My roommate

Weight

Self-pity

THINGS THAT I WILL REGAIN:

My self esteem

Ability to find joy in life

I realized that there is only one person that I need to make happy, and she has been unhappy for too long. I gave her heart away and now I must reclaim it. I promise to be more selective with her heart in the future.

Single Activities

What does a lonely single music fan do to fill her time and help to heal a very broken heart? Dance alone in the dark and try to forget what went wrong.

Benevento Russo Duo - Friday
Moses Guest - Saturday
New Monsoon - Monday

Pennies from Heaven

What a sweet thought....

Two sides....

I look up into his face and the crowd vanishes. People become dancers along the edges of my world. My hand lingers on his arm and my body tingles with excitement. “Perhaps I should tell her my side of the story,” a grin flirting across his handsome face. “Your side, now that would be interesting.” I stare boldly into his eyes. A thousand tiny butterflies take flight in my heart. “Every story has two sides.” I want him to reach for me, to kiss me. “Yes, but they all end the same.”

Looking for a home....

Under a big Texas sky, I lie in the driveway. A warm puppy, a stranger to me, lies pressed against me. I rub his tummy as the stars shine down upon us. The wind moves all around while I whisper promises of safety into his big brown eyes. I imagine us kindred spirts. Once deeply in love and suddenly pushed away. Mine because love ended and his simply because he got lost. His sturdy leather collar speaks of a home, but sadly shares no secrets of his identity. I want to keep him safe, close to me. I don’t want him to feel the sad loneliness again. Perhaps if I save him, it will in turn save me.

Skipping around the world

I begin my travels again around the world, skipping from blog to blog. Random thoughts of love and pain. I stumble upon one that makes me think. Makes me dream of a moment when I also can dismiss emotions without the tears.

And so, emotions that once moved me to tears, are dismissed in a sip of vodka. http://www.starryeyedwanderer.blogspot.com/

Post Secret

There were lots of great ones - but this one - I know how this feels.

(verso) "I can't remember to forget you."

Wishing for a man that -

never makes me cry. But if ever he does - he would sing to me....

Once there was a way to get back homeward
Once there was a way to get back home
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullabye

Golden slumbers fill your eyes
Smiles awake you when you rise
Sleep pretty darling do not cry
And I will sing a lullabye
(The Beatles)

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star....

Pisces
Positive change rarely occurs without a tremendous amount of effort. Keep this in mind as transformations occur in rapid-fire succession. You may feel as though you're in the middle of a whirlpool, getting sucked deeper and deeper and unsure where you will ultimately be spat out. This is merely the "nose to the grindstone" phase. Trust that your efforts will ultimately be rewarded.

That is EXACTLY the way that I would describe it.

Honoring the sticky-icky.....

Thanks for the hook up, peapod.....

* In Seattle, Washington, radio station 104.9 The Monkey encourages listeners to call in and do bong rips over the phone at 4:20.

* In Portsmouth, Ohio, from 2000 - 2002, the FM radio station 94.9 WZIO (now defunct) used to air a segment during "The Traffic Jam with Tony Phillips" entitled "Get the Led Out" at 4:20pm weekdays, where 15-20 minutes of "non-standard" Led Zeppelin music was played (time enough to roll and smoke a joint with some friends). The segment was sponsored in part by Visine Eye Drops, "because they get the red out when we get the Led out..."

* The Stone Coast Brewing company has a beer called the "420 IPA", and on the case is says, "It's always 4:20 somewhere!"
* Snopes.com, High Times magazine, The Marijuana-Logues, and The Straight Dope claim that in the early 1970s, a group of teenagers at San Rafael High School in San Rafael, California used to meet every day after school at 4:20 p.m. to smoke marijuana at the water tower. One piece of evidence supporting an origin of the term from the time 4:20 is the fact that the number is always said "four twenty". This theory is also the most cited, and the most widely-accepted.
* In an episode of the show Futurama called "The Farnsworth Parabox", an alternate universe where everyone is a hippie is numbered as Universe 420.
* In Fat Albert, Doris (Kyla Pratt) is seen wearing a shirt reading, "PHILA 4:20"
* It is rumored that in the movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High, all of the clocks show the time as 4:20.
(wikipedia.com)

420 - Loving the Buddha

In honor of all those who appreciate the sweet leaf, a little song or two.....

I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker (Steve Miller)

I'm so high, I even touch the sky (Bob Marley)

So [A] drink your gin-and-[E] tonic-ah, and [D] smoke your mara[E]juanic-ah (Adam Sandler)

cha-ching cha-ching we got hydroponic love and we're smokin' cha-ching cha-ching we burn it you and I, we are so lit (Gwen Stefani)

What what what what? (So blaze the weed up then!) Blaze it up, blaze it up! (Dr. Dre)

So we gonna smoke a ounce to this, G’s up, hoes down, while you motherfuckers bounce to this (Snopp Doggy Dog)

I’ll hit dat bong and break ya off something soon (Cypress Hill)

You got a friend named Mary Jane, And she make me feel stange, Now I've got to call out her name (Sonic Youth & Cypress Hill)

Smoke my mind make me feel better for a small time (Dave Mathews Band)

Get ready come on now, load up the bong, crank up the song, let the informa call 911 (Sublime)

Gotta get so high (get so high) Sho'nuff its my very own right (Muddy Waters)

I love you sweet leaf, though you can’t hear (Black Sabbath)

the batbox blastin out our old theme song and robin kept on passin me a serious bong (Bob Schneider)

But I would not feel so all alone, Everybody must get stoned. (Bob Dylan)

But let me get to the point, let’s roll another joint (Tom Petty)

M-i-c (see you real soon) k-e-y (why because we love you)

Old disney strip drawn by Gottfriedson. Oddly, I think it is cute to see Mickey mad....

Jumbled thoughts...

In the shower I write entries in my head. Letters to people, songs, ideas, dreams. Some days it works and some days I spin away - out of control. I begin to rage, I want to scream and curse at different people, or things that have hurt me. Today felt like one of those days, a day when the words would flow without a barrier.

I am beginning to miss things about being involved with someone. Not just the sex, although that is major. I miss the feeling that someone out there worries and cares. I miss the every day companionship of it. The making grilled cheese sandwiches and watching television evenings. Sharing jokes and giggling in bed. Just the little joys of a relationship.

Dreaming of a man.....

that will dance (no matter what) around the house with me to -

What'll you do when you get lonely
And nobody's waiting by your side?
You've been running and hiding much too long.
You know it's just your foolish pride.

[Chorus:]Layla, you've got me on my knees.
Layla, I'm begging, darling please.
Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind.

I tried to give you consolation
When your old man had let you down.
Like a fool, I fell in love with you,
Turned my whole world upside down.

[Chorus]

Let's make the best of the situation
Before I finally go insane.
Please don't say we'll never find a way
And tell me all my love's in vain.

[Chorus 2x]
(Eric Clapton and Jim Gordon)

Summertime

But what about the groove that soothes that moves romance

Give me a soft subtle mix

And if ain’t broke then don’t try to fix it

And think of the summers of the past

(Will Smith)

Driving this morning, I notice throughout my neighborhood water flowing from the hydrants. The smell of chlorine fills the air and suddenly I am 16 again, waiting for summer vacation. The smells of chlorine and coconut oil are the only things that can be recalled from long hot days spent embedded in my youth. Blessed to be free from school and longing to be an adult. I dreamed that adulthood would be all hot men and tequila shots. Little did I know. There are no hot men on the horizon, and tequila shots tend to make me hug strangers as I depart from said shot location. And the following morning the mere mention of the word “shot” causes me to run, stumbling to the nearest bathroom. Now I dream longingly of those days of 16, when the world was all lip-gloss and ponytails. I should embrace my adulthood, but I will spend every Saturday, semi-naked, stretched out under the jasmine vines, music pouring from my open windows, dreaming of nothing at all and baking in the summer sun. My own adult version of summer vacation obtained in short intervals and smelling of coconut oil.

Beetle Thursday

Thursday night - I am determined not to think of him anymore. It is easier when I am busy.

I'm a Loser

Of all the love I have won or have lost there is one love I should never have crossed
She was a girl in a million, my friend
I should have known she would win in the end

I'm a loser
And I lost someone who's near to me
I'm a loser
And I'm not what I appear to be

Although I laugh and I act like a clown
Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown
My tears are falling like rain from the sky
Is it for her or myself that I cry

I'm a loser
And I lost someone who's near to me
I'm a loser
And I'm not what I appear to be

What have I done to deserve such a fate
I realize I have left it too late
And so it's true, pride comes before a fall
I'm telling you so that you won't lose all
(Lennon/McCartney)

The shore

Nietzsche "Without music life would be a mistake."

Captured under the depths of the deep blue ocean, barely able to function, I finally crawl upon the shore. I lie naked in the sun, like a cat, purring under its warmth. I relish thoughts of freedom, blissful quite and time alone. I roll onto my stomach and watch as the bruises and cuts begin to heal.

Postsecrets

Love both of these.....

Death is coming for us all.....

A slightly fractured fairy tale

The stadium is engorged with the euphoric citizens of a peaceful nation. They wait with breathless anticipation for a pending royal proclamation. Suddenly the trumpets blare, and the flags are unfurled, snapping tightly in the wind. Everyone jumps to their feet craning to see their beloved Princess Beta. She has been suffering a lingering malaise that has kept her a bed for many months. She alights from her carriage and begins her trek to the podium. She is as ever, breathtaking to behold, groomed to perfection, except for her crown which is tossed slightly askew upon her head. It appears as if she only realized, or was perhaps reminded, of her royal heritage as she rushed out the door. She glides up to the podium and waits patiently for her faithful legions to regain their composure. She adjusts her crown and gently straightens the folds of her skirt. With a tap of her Choos she steps up to the microphone and the crowd falls hush. “Amori del mio cuore, thank you for your patience with me these last long months. I have been awakened from my malaise by a kiss, um; I mean rather a kick to my royal posterior, actually several such kicks. Since I have been assured by my attorneys,” She pauses for a moment to glance at two rather portly and pale suit-clad gentlemen. They both nod at her vehemently. With a sigh she continues, “Since they have assured me that I have no grounds for a legal action, I have decided to take it as a sign. After a bit of silent contemplation,” Suddenly someone from the crowd yells, “Ah, that is why she has such a rosy glow.” Several citizens around him giggle. Princess Beta glances up at him with a mischievous smile and a slight nod. Quickly she continues, “I wanted to assure you, my beloveds, that I am feeling wonderful and am completely cured. So again thank you for your love and patience during these many months.” Silently she steps back away from the podium with a regal wave. Suddenly she leans forward again, “Oh, one other thing, if any of you know of any single sexy soldiers, send them to the castle.” With that she steps into her carriage, with a wink and a sly smile to one of the sexier trumpeters, she is off to the ball.

Well -

"Gentlemen. You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!" (Peter Sellers in "Dr. Strangelove")

Some days the words are harder to find than others.....

It is my world....

If the world does not revolve around me, why am I so dizzy?

Delusions

Horoscope of the day....

he stars speak -


Your past is catching up with you in some interesting ways. It's not like an ex is stalking you, but you will find that your past kindnesses are soon to be repaid either directly or karmically. -

The Rookie Card

I take out her well worn rookie card. I prepare to add to my ever increasing knowledge of her stats. Her name, age, size, hair color, eye color, occupation or lack thereof are all listed there. The facts of her children and previous marriage detailed upon it. The name that she calls him in a giggling secret sex manner embossed on the front. I rub the edge of the card; the texture penetrates my skin cutting me over and over. I am bewildered as to how I became this girl. The girl that hears of his brilliant new love. I never wanted to be this girl. I can't be this girl. I stare at him across the table. Is he innocently vicious or does he want to punish me for some unknown sin? His words slice at my heart. He speaks of a day when I would be friends with her. The idea of meeting her revolts me. I reach across the table, placing her card in his hands. The stats on my card are far more impressive.

Despair

Of Margaritas and Bluebonnets

I thought that today was going to be a wonderful day. I had an appointment with my dermatologist this morning, and then strolled into the office around 11.

Suddenly, I am hurt and upset again. I don't understand how someone that I love can misunderstand every single action and word. Then suddenly it hit me like a bolt of lighting. I am forcing myself upon someone that does not love me, much less care for me or worry about me. I am childishly forcing a relationship that does not exist. It struck me with such force it was as if I had been physically shoved. I always thought that he would not miss me if I walked away, that his life would not miss a beat. In my heart I wanted to doubt that, but now I see that it is true. I am just going to have to buck up and be a woman about this. It is time to move forward and not look back. I know that if I were to glance back, he would be dancing, and that would hurt worse then never glancing back at all.

Loving Postsecret this week.....

Here I Go Again

My current theme song. Pity my roommate, because I have been singing it all weekend.

I don’t know where I’m going
But, I sure know where I’ve been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An’ I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again
Tho’ I keep searching for an answer,
I never seem to find what I’m looking for
Oh lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on,’cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
An’ here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known,
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time
(Whitesnake)

Mondays...

Ugh.....

Wishing for......

fantasies to come true.

Fingertips

Houston boy - amazing song - very sweet.....

forget the look he carried in his eyes
forget the way she said his name
they were barely touching as they passed me by
yeah but they were loving just the same
it was all in the
fingertips
yeah baby that was it
fingertips
oh baby that was it

just like the summer sun can burn your face
and a little smoke can get you high
we didn’t end it with a warm embrace
we never even said goodbye
it was all in the
fingertips
yeah baby that was it
fingertips
oh baby that was it

anticipation of the slightest touch
that little moment always means so much to me
it’s where the will and the won’t
yeah the do and the don’t come out i don’t know how
but it’s all in the
fingertips
yeah baby that was it
fingertips
(Troy Johnson)

http://www.troyjohnson.biz/music%20page/Fingertips%20music%20page.htm

Top Ten

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down (David Letterman )

10 . The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

Thursday Failures

I'm not internationally known
But I'm known to rock the microphone
Because I get stoopid, I mean outrageous
Stay away from me if you're contagious
'Cause I'm the winner, no, I'm not the loser....
(Rob Base)

Well - angeli più cari, the plan to keep busy and fill my time was not the success that I had hoped. Perhaps if I had filled my time more wisely, as in not getting dressed up and going to his house. Lessons learned, then learned again, then discussed and then retaught tend to become repetative. Imagine that. Actually feeling wonderful and light today. Perhaps I just needed to shed my final tears in front of him.

Wishes for....

Naked picnics in the bluebonnet fields.....

A prayer for lost love....

The dreams are coming again, not the dreams of sex and lust, but the nightmares. I wake in the morning sad and drained. I want to explain to him how I feel. But I have exposed myself over and over, turning myself inside out for inspection. I wanted to be the person that protected his heart from pain and hurt, to keep him safe from the world. That is not what he wanted, so instead I pray that he is happy. Though he assigns feelings of anger and vindication to me those are not my true feelings. My love is as deep and pure as the first moment. Because of this love, I want him to find love, to find someone that makes him as happy as he made me. It is a bittersweet feeling, like childhood memories of the beach. I will always have my memories of times when I was blissfully happy with him, that is a gift that he gave me. I just wish that I could stop the dreams.

Week on the edge

Dinner on the patio with a girlfriend. Time being filled, but still I think of him. I miss him. At least I am not acting out of control, and there have been less tears this week.

Ice Cream

I listen to this song every night as I am falling asleep.....

------------------------------

Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I’ve tried
And your love is better than ice cream
Everyone here know how to fight

And it’s a long way down
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down to the place
Where we started from

Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I’ve tried
Oh love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry

It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down to the place
Where we started from...
(sarah mclachlan)

Wishing for....

Passion filled vacations to foreign lands.

The mark....

Gazing in the mirror, I reach out to touch the two identical spots on my arm. Small bruises that speak of a moment of passion when he nipped at the tender flesh of my arm making the smallest of marks. The bruises are fading, but I want them to last forever, a tattooed reminder of a night together. When in the dark he again spoke to me of love, passion and friendship. His words wrapped around me and for a moment I feel loved. I realize that this love is all in my mind, that these feelings are not mirrored. I can’t imagine what he wants from me or how he feels about me. He never explains his feelings, but merely elaborates on the confusion of his life. I don’t know where I fit, if at all. But with these marks, I know that for a moment in time, I was in his mind, present and desired.

Welcome back, Saturn!

Does this mean four months of unbridled joy? Don't you just love good horoscopes?

Happy puppy alert: Saturn, the planet of the rules and the regs, returns to direct motion tomorrow after a four-plus-month retrograde. Why do you care? Because assorted matters relating to your serenity, decent mood, bank account, commerce, health, well-being, job search, building project, you name it should stop limping and start rolling merrily along.

Destiny.....

Something else to wish for....

Flowers delivered to the office for no other reason than love.....

Beer - I miss you......

Blogs

I love reading others' blogs. At times, it is like peering into someone's heart and mind. Today I read the following on BridalBeer and it just spoke to me. I understand exactly how this feels.

A Break-Up

Forget it, she said, it's over, her forehead splitting into three slabs of flesh.

Please, he said, hoping she understands he wants to forget it too.

No pain, no gain

The CIA ain't got shit on a woman with a plan! (Two Can Play That Game)

Monday down- - - filling my time at the gym. Feeling the pain so that I can get the gain! I was innocently leaning against the wall, waiting for my chance to sweat. When I had a women walk by and tells me that I had lost a lot of weight and was looking good. As an added bonus, during spin class I have moments of mental clarity, I think that comes with a specific lack of air and/or blood rushing all around my brain. I also tend to get this mental clarity with a drink or two, beyond that it is a different story.

Things to wish for....

A man that will bring me breakfast in bed and then help me work it all off afterwards....

A Week in the life of....

a woman on the edge. So, gentle reader, I once again gave myself over to my emotions. Afterwards, I made a promise to myself that I would no longer be ruled by emotions.

So this week will be a week of filling my time and staying sane. Photos courtesy of my new cell phone.....

This is my drive home on Sunday for my Mother's birthday.

The parking garage at work..... the start of a new week, new month, and new less emotional me.

The Pause

Standing on the edge of the cliff, I glance over my shoulder one time, and then hurl myself off the edge. As I fall freely through space, I ask – “Do you love me?” There is a pause, and then he asks “What do you mean?” But I can’t go on. The pause was all I needed. It was a moment of honest, in a time of confusion and pain. All the declarations of love, the discussions of him feeling differently about me than her, and the whispered “It has always been you,” while fumbling quickly to remove all clothes that hinder our touches, those mean nothing. As the wind tears at my clothes, my mind tumbles back over the last few months. The bitter tears of rejection and pain of heartbreak, where often blunted by the hope, dream, desire of his love, held out like a glittering prize. I hit the ground and sit up in shock. The fall has always seemed longer, the rocks at the bottom slash my skin. The fall has gradually gotten shorter and less painful. My moments of release are fewer and farther between. If only I could hide these moments from him. If only he was unaware of the heartache that I still feel. The pause has made me realize that no matter what I do to my body, hair and face. No matter what measures I take to insure that I am attractive, I am still me, and that is exactly what he did not want. Me. It hurts, but this is better for me. I know there will still be moments of release, times when I jump, just to feel the pain. I know because even now after all is said and done, my heart stops beating for a second when he enters the room. When he touches me all the breath leaves my body. I can’t hide my love from him, but I can be safe in the knowledge that when we are together, if we ever are again, I am the only person in the room that is willing to or has the desire to jump.