Till you come back to me.....

Song of the day - and something to make you laugh - and you thought that I didn't care.......

Though you don't call any more
I sit and wait in vain
I guess I'll rap on your door (your door)
Tap on your window pane (tap on your window pane)
I wanna tell ya baby changes I've been goin' through
Missin' you - listen you
(Till you come back to me - that's what I'm gonna do)

Why did you have to decide
You had to set me free
I'm gonna swallow my pride (my pride)
Gonna beg ya to please - baby please see me
(Baby won't you see me)
I'm gonna walk out by myself
Just to prove that my love is true
Oh for ya baby
(Till you come back to me
That's what I'm gonna do)

(Aretha Franklin)

The ritual

"You know me - I don’t need no introduction and shit" (#1 stunna)

It is hard to explain the relationship that exists between me and my mother, but to southern girls, especially those my age, it makes perfect sense. I have a ritual in preparation of going home. The ritual was born out of my own odd fragile emotions. She is never critical, but she makes these little comments, so I try to move closer and closer to perfection. Which is I am sure what she has in mind.

Last night it was a mani/pedi and eyebrow waxing. I strolled into my nail bar and was greeted by my manicurist – “Hey Baby” and hugs were shared. She teases me after waxing my eyebrows that they are now even. Sadly, I took it upon myself to clean them up a bit last weekend before the Rockets game. Thankfully she can repair the damage that I have done. I sit back and enjoy the gentle sounds of their voices speaking to each other in Vietnamese. I leave feeling refreshed and protective of my new pretty nails….

Tonight it will be hair color & cut. Arthur will work his magic and make my hair once again all shiny and blonde. So no sitting on the couch tonight, I will be all shiny and freshly blown. I actually catch myself strutting when I leave the salon, which is hilarious to me, as I am such a mouse most of the time.

She expects none of this from me, but I think of her as my role model, and I have a lot to live up to.

What my stars are saying.....

Pisces:

A night as great as this one is for going on (or making!) a date doesn't come along every day, so make hay while the stars are shining bright right on you. Dress a little sexier than usual and strut your stuff!

----------------------------

I don't have a date - but this sort of sounds like a reason to shop for a sexy little outfit! Hmmmm....... I wonder if everyone interprets their horoscopes to mean leave work and go shopping, or if it is just me.....

Miserable -

Love this song, heard it on the way to the gym last night -

You make me come
You make me comeplete
You make me comepletely miserable
Stuck to a chair
Watchin’ this
Story about me
Everything goes by so fast
Making my head spin
Used up all my friends
But who needs them
When you mean everything
I love things that we should fear
I’m not afraid of being here
So much the same
It makes me helpless alone
Nothing to share
Why should i
Care if you’re near me
Give up all my plans
But who needs them
When you mean everything
(Lit)

Meaningless words

Are these words without meaning?

respect
to consider worthy of high regard; to refrain from interfering with

compassion
sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it

love
to hold dear; to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for

treasure
a person esteemed as rare or precious

All alone....

Little mouse....

Like a little mouse, I want to crawl into my hole and hide. Three months of seclusion has not been nearly enough. A little shell-shocked, but I guess no worse for the wear, I peek my head out and look around. The view is nice, but I have no desire to leave. In my home I am safe, no one will stop loving me. I am protected from the sting of rejection. I will never feel unwanted and unloved again, if I stay hidden.

Husband a/k/a "Evil Spawn of Satan"

A good friend, whose husband I already detest (thanks to many whispered lunch conversations and tears shared in the hushed halls of a law firm) shared with me his latest volatile comment. She is trying desperately to lose weight, a struggle that she and I share, and she loves to snack in the late night hours. She approaches the bed, snack in hand, a low calorie ice cream. She asks him where the remote control is – and his response. “I don’t know perhaps you thought that it was a candy bar and ate it.” I love a man filled with compassion and caring for his spouse. Tonight, I will get down on my hands and knees and thank God that I am single.

A meeting....

It is rainy and gray outside, I dream of being home, in bed, wrapped in his arms. I want to smell the warm scents of sex and sleep on his skin. I move through my days a stranger to my own life, lost in the memories of a love that has ended. I close my heart to him, sealing all the windows and doors, but he enters again through small fissures and cracks that only he is aware of. He lived in my heart for so long he has it memorized. There is nothing that I can do to shield myself from him. Sitting across from him looking into his eyes I am again lost. I wonder why I came, knowing that there is no way that I could not come. No way that I could reject his invitation, not again, I needed to see him, I needed to assure myself that he was as I remembered. I feel shy and exposed as he approaches the table and the dance begins. We both know that it will reach an inevitable conclusion. Understanding that everything is different and nothing is different.

Who said that?!?!

Postsecret

I actually carry a british pound in my wallet to remind myself that I am free and able to go anywhere that I want. Perhaps that is what all women in bad relationships do, find some sort of lucky charm to keep their minds free.

Where the Wild Things Are....

I have to be brave......it is going to be a bad day.......

The stars scare me -

This is my horoscope for Friday:

Enough with the hibernating. You're ready to get dressed -- really dressed -- and head out for some fun. The best part is that the heavens have arranged for a charming companion to go along with you. Well, now, shouldn't you be planning some sort of lavish celebration? Sure you should. Like maybe dinner out? Or a limo ride? Or both? In your book, there's nothing like a touch of romance to make an evening memorable -- and passionate.

I don't know - I think that I want to hibernate just a little bit longer.....

Hollow

It is strange, I have been writing about this man for months. The one that took my heart and crushed it. I never could get my mind around the idea that it was over. I loved him so much; he was so dear to me. Well, after another argument, which I was not expecting, he told me that he felt he could not speak to me ever again. I have tried to communicate to understand what happened, but with no response. The odd thing is that months ago, I would be crushed and near death, but now it just seems inevitable. Like something that should have happened months ago. I have told him the same thing over and over, but I always relent. I think it is because I was the only one in love. Now that I know that it is truly and forever over, I feel hollow in a way that I can't place into words. But now I know that I will live.

Classic Rock Celebration

Last night in honor of class rock week, I skipped the gym and instead headed downtown to see a local Beatles cover band. It was wonderful. A good time was had by all. The roommate and I spent the evening singing, laughing and making fun of all the strange dancers. Not as good for me as a night on the bike, but still laughter is good for the wounded heart.

Looking to the Stars....

I know what my heart wants. I know what my body wants. I know what my soul wants. My mind, however, never stops questioning. I found the following horoscope rather interesting today......

A relationship you've recently begun is more than ripe for that extra step. So if you're thinking of taking a giant leap toward intimacy, don't hesitate. Fasten your seatbelt, put that tray table in the upright and locked position, and relax. You can do it now, and it will work out well. However, if this just so happens to be someone who's spoken for, definitely cool your heels a touch. There's no reason for you to share anyone's affections. You're loving, compassionate and more than worth the effort. Make that your mantra.

Dreams....

Last night the dream came again. He is, as always, present. I am in bed, arms wrapped around my pillow when I feel his presence in the room. I look over my shoulder at him. He is standing in the doorway with a look of eager anticipation. In what appears to be one movement, he crosses the room and takes me into his arms. Gently he begins to kiss me, softly leaning against my body. The gentle intensity lasts mere seconds before neither of us can stand the nearness of the other. Quickly I remove his clothes and he slides closer to me. Leaning over me, I am overwhelmed by his sheer masculinity. I feel at peace, as if a part of me has been returned. Passion overwhelms me as I slide away from this world into a world of tactile experiences. Everything becomes scent, taste and touch. I can’t keep my hands, mouth or body away from him. As he slides forcefully within me, my body screams for release. I respond with force, pulling him closer and closer until we both collapse in sweaty ecstacy. It is like this with no other, and now it is only in my dreams.

Classic Rock Week Continues....

Bob Marley - one of the best, again a hard choice - but "Waiting in Vain" is perfect.

From the very first time I rest my eyes on you, girl,
My heart says follow t’rough.
But I know, now, that I’m way down on your line,
But the waitin’ feel is fine:
So don’t treat me like a puppet on a string,
’cause I know I have to do my thing.
Don’t talk to me as if you think I’m dumb;
I wanna know when you’re gonna come - soon.
I don’t wanna wait in vain for your love;
’cause if summer is here,
I’m still waiting there;
Winter is here,
And I’m still waiting there.
Like I said:
It’s been three years since I’m knockin’ on your door,
And I still can knock some more:
Ooh girl, ooh girl, is it feasible?
I wanna know now, for I to knock some more.
Ya see, in life I know there’s lots of grief,
But your love is my relief:
Tears in my eyes burn - tears in my eyes burn
While I’m waiting - while I’m waiting for my turn,
See! I don’t wanna wait in vain for your love

9 to 5 - blah!

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.

Just a little something to make you laugh during your day, I sure need to laugh more at work.

How many?

How many gay men have to tell me I look amazing (they have the best sense of style)? How many men have to whistle and call out corny pick-up lines (Yes, I am here to arrest your heart)? How many boys in the band have to flirt with me? How many old men have to smile and wink? How many men have to tell me that I am beautiful, funny, smart or sweet? That I am a diamond. That I am a catch. That I smell like apricots. How many before I have the strength to walk away from the one that has invaded my heart and mind as no other has.

Make the queen of the angels sigh

I love The Doors (sshhh, don't tell - it is a secret) this is one of my favorites, but it was not easy.

Hello, I love you
Won't you tell me your name?
Hello, I love you
Let me jump in your game

She's walking down the street
Blind to every eye she meets
Do you think you'll be the guy
To make the queen of the angels sigh?

Hello, I love you
Won't you tell me your name?
Hello, I love you
Let me jump in your game

She holds her head so high
Like a statue in the sky
Her arms are wicked, and her legs are long
When she moves my brain screams out this song

Sidewalk crouches at her feet
Like a dog that begs for something sweet
Do you hope to make her see, you fool?
Do you hope to pluck this dusky jewel?
Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello
I want you
Hello
I need my baby

perdita del peso

Buon pomeriggio i miei kittens piccoli del sesso, I have just returned from my doctor's office, and I am happy to say that I have lost 20lbs, in a mere 10 weeks. Now, I have to make a harder push because I go back in May and we discussed projections. So I have another goal. I was super nervous when I got on the scale in his office. For the first time, I kept my eyes open when they weighed me.

When Love is Gone

For the last several weeks, I have wondered what you are supposed to do with all the love that you feel for someone that no longer loves you. Where does that energy go? You give over your heart to someone, and they reside in it for several years. Then suddenly one day, they no longer want you. They don't want to hear your voice, they don't want to see you smile, they don't miss you, they no longer care. What do you do? I feel all those things, I want to hear his voice, see his smile, be near him. It hurts me to know that he does not feel the same way. The idea of moving on seems strange. Other men pale in comparison to him in my eyes. I have all this love to give and no one that wants it. I wonder if someday when my heart is healed, if he will miss having someone love him as I did. Or is all love the same to him? I never thought so - I always thought of love as individual - as different to each person as a snowflake. I just keep reminding myself, that he does not want me. He met another and picked her over me. I remind myself everyday, so the love will fade. It seems to work, until I have bad day, but each time there is a bad day, the recovery is much quicker.

Classic Rock Week

As I previously said, I had a horrible weekend. One where you spend the weekend imagining the most horrible cruel things. Such as, does he copy bits of emails between us about sex and make those suggestions to his new girlfriend. Anyway, since I worked myself into a mental breakdown. I decided on Sunday to try and get over it. I put on some music and danced around my living room to the joy of my dogs. I decided that this week I would discuss some of my favorite songs by older bands.....to begin with - Led Zepplin: Fool in the Rain....

Oh, baby
Well there's a light in your eye that keeps shining
Like a star that can't wait for a night
I hate to think I've been blinded baby
Why can't I see you tonight
And the warmth of your smile starts a-burnin'
And the thrill of your touch gives me fright
And I'm shaking so much, really yearning
Why don't you show up, make it all right, yeah, it's all right, all right
And if you promised you'd love so completely
And you said you would always be true
You swore that you never would leave me, baby
What ever happened to you
And you thought it was only in movies
As you wish all your dreams would come true, hey
It ain't the first time believe me, baby
I'm standin' here feeling blue, blue
Ha, yeah, I'm blue, hoh, baby
Now I will stand in the rain on the corner
I'll watch the people go shuffling downtown
Another ten minutes no longer
And then I'm turning around, 'round
The clock on the wall's moving slower
Oh, my heart it sinks to the ground
And the storm that I thought would blow over
Clouds the light of the love that I found, found
Light of the love that I found
Light of the love that I found

Good night and good luck

Ah, the weekend, at times a painful and sad experience. It is always odd to me the peaks and valleys of my life.

Thursday, I was to attend a concert with my roommate, but she feel asleep on me. I would normally have just stayed home because of it, but I am determined to be more outgoing, I got in the car and went alone. I missed most of it, but did get to experience a few songs. Then I headed over to a local pub and had a drink. All alone like a big girl. When I walked in the door, a guy at the bar asked to see my id. I was sort of surprised, as I have not been a minor in MANY years, and he did not really look like a bouncer and I never saw him ask anyone else for their id. So, I asked him if he did that just to messy with me, and he laughed and assured me that no - I look really young. Note to self: pick up more of that new moisturizer.

Friday: Horrible day. I was hit with a wave of nostalgia. I wanted to stay in and cry, but instead, I purchased a tiny new white and green dress; then forced myself out the door. I did get high marks on the dress at dinner, but that could be because of the restaurant. Some how on St. Pat's day, I ended up at a Mexican restaurant that is loved by the gay male. Very strange. But as I said previously, the dress was a hit. Then it was a night of Irish beer and song. It was the perfect holiday for the way that I was feeling. I missed him more on Friday then I have missed him since the very end of the relationship.

St. Pat's Day

I hope everyone has a great St. Patrick's day.

Postsecret

A rather funny postsecret - Mormon missionaries are not really my style, but to each her own.

Rumors

I love having an amazing friend that will call you up and tell you the most horrible things about someone that she thinks hurt you. My hope for all of you is that you have such a friend. It makes you feel so much better when you are still stuck in the office.

The End

I am always amazed how time and pain can alter one's emotions. To me it always seems that it happens quite suddenly. One day you are crying, longing to be with that certain someone, and the next day you can't even remember what it was like to really talk to them. I imagine that it would be awkward and strange to see him, this person that I used to share the most passionate and private part of my life with. At least I know that with the pain gone, I will not worry about his life and be delighted with my own life.

No one is perfect

A day predicted

Horoscope for the day:

As ever, the truth will set you free, as will being amenable to breaking with patterns that, for whatever reason, no longer promote personal progress. The Full Moon and Lunar Eclipse illuminate those aspects of your life that could use a little reconfiguring or refurbishing, so consider making these adjustments rather than reverting to your vaunted "strength through adversity" program.

I know exactly what patterns that I need to alter. I actually appreciate this horoscope simply because my favorite saying is - Ad astra per aspera - to the stars through adversity. So perhaps it is time to make things easier.

Vindicta Nemo magis gaudet quam foemina

Women do most delight in revenge. Sir Thomas Browne

It [revenge] is sweeter far than flowing honey. Homer

No more tears now; I will think about revenge. Mary, Queen of Scots

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father: prepare to die. Now, offer me money.

I have this fantasy. I would not call it revenge, but others might. I just call it a clandestine moment when all will be right with the world. It involves three more months of spin, a perfect little black dress, a great tan and a fairy godmother.

My dictonary

I have been told that I make up words. I think that this is just part of my own unique style and individuality. When I saw this strip, I had to post it.

Motivation

One of the older (cranky) secretaries at the firm stopped me in the hall today to tell me how good I was looking. The comment was that I was the incredible shrinking woman. That so rocks! I love it when it is one of those secretaries that tells me, because they never do anything to be nice. When they say it they mean it!! Can't wait to get to the gym tonight. This totally motivates me.

Big Dick Event

It is a dark Saturday night; sleeping peacefully I am suddenly jolted awake by my phone. Ah, a text message from my ex-husband, announcing that he has a bet and needs confirmation that he has a large cock. At 2:00 a.m., my first thought is; gee thanks, I had a bad day and now this. But ever the lady I begin to reply in the affirmative. Suddenly, I am ever the lady whose phone had died. Then I am ever the lady walking to my car in the middle of the night. I am strolling through the Texas night, pajama bottoms swishing and ponytail swaying in the breeze. I idle the car and the phone begins to recharge. As I listen to the “Rap of the Black Impresario” I start to imagine what this bet could be. Since he is carrying around the proof, I start to think of a group of drunken 25 to 35 year old guys sitting around making a bet as to who can have the most ex-girlfriends or lovers respond in the affirmative. I picture 100s of women all over Texas awaken by the same text. As I send my response to San Antonio, I think that I have done my little part in Texas Big Cock Event of 2006.

Now gentle readers, I am sure that you are interested in why my Saturday was not as pleasant as one might have hoped. Well, truth be known, I had a rather heated conversation with my last past love-interest (he does not like the term “ex”). He told me that he cared for me, and I told him that it was not apparent to me. This was answered with, you are just mad because I will not give you what you want. Of course, I need to know what it was that he thought that I wanted. His response – Me. Well at that point, the wind began to switch - the house to pitch; and suddenly the hinges started to unhitch. Just then the Witch - to satisfy an itch went flying on her broomstick, thumbing for a hitch. When my house landed, I crawled out and hundreds of little people began to sing “ding dong, the something is dead…..” Then there was more singing, dancing and tequila shots. But I digress. I tried to explain to him that I was not mad, I was sad and hurt. But that he crawled down from his pedestal, handed me his cape and said “I can’t handle this shit anymore”. After two months, I have picked myself up and started to brush myself off, and now to me he is just the guy whose new girlfriend has great tits and a nice pussy. He will never be the man that wears the cape again.

Release from the pain...

I so desperately want to shake these feelings of rejection and pain. There comes a point when even you become tired of the tears. I just wish that I could completely forget the last year. Block out all the feelings. I am determined to get my life back. He told me that he did not give a shit about my feelings, that is going to be what I use to set myself free.

To the stars through....

I feel the same way. I dream of finding happiness and joy.

Spiderwebs....

The threads cling to me, pulling my limbs closer to my body constricting my movement, my freedom. Each day I follow a different thread to the center of the web, each one leading into my broken heart. One day it is rejection, one day it is betrayal, and another it is passion. Sometimes the web sparkles in the sun, reflecting all the love and passion that I felt, other days it is dark and gloom barely surviving filled with all the hurt and pain. I try to show my web to other people, to explain why I can’t move on. They no longer want to see or hear about it. They tell me to just move on. I wish that I could. I dream of the days that I can leave the house and not be held back by fear and pain. That the threads would drop away and I would be free. Today might be the day that I sweep the web down and move on. I hope that it is.

Faking it....

I love this postsecret!

Sandy wishes

I sit across from her and listen to the painful comments. I want to believe that everything that he said to me was true. That he did love me and I am pretty. She argues that it was not true, that it was just lies. That he was not mine and could never be and will never be mine. Her brutal honesty cuts me like a knife. He was the first thing that I really wanted and got. The words that he spoke to me were like a balm on my wounded soul. To think now that they were just lies is more than I can handle. I want to scream at her, why? Why could it not have been true, am I so unlovable, is it so hard to imagine that someone would think that I was pretty. But it is not her fault that I hurt, it is mine.

I wrote his name in the sand yesterday and let the ocean wash it away. It was like a tiny wish or prayer, the only problem is that I don’t really know what to wish for anymore.

Tea Stain

I loathe days like this at the office. I have too much free time on my hands. There are things to do, but not things that are pressing, so I spend to much time surfing around the web.

Personality quiz - http://quiz.ravenblack.net/flavour.pl

Se è amore taci. Bastano i baci.

I miss kissing. I want to feel lips pressed to mine. I need to breathe in the breath of another. To have my world tilt away and all thoughts vanish. The taste of another upon my lips and tongue. I want to be kissed in such a manner that at the conclusion I can’t think or speak.

Aw baby do me now
Do me here
I do allow
Hit me you can’t hurt me
Suck my kiss
Kiss me please pervert me
Stick with this
Is she talking dirty
Give to me sweet sacred bliss
Your mouth was made to...
(Red Hot Chili Peppers)

The moment eternal - just that and no more -
When ecstasy's utmost we clutch at the core
While cheeks burn, arms open, eyes shut, and lips meet!
- Robert Browning

Dreams

I climb under the covers, the sheets clean and fresh beckon to me. I have opened the window so that I can smell the heady perfume of the night jasmine which I planted below my window. The fragrance mixes with the smells of lavender and vanilla, which perfume my room. I lower my head to the pillow and pray that I don’t dream of him. I long for a night not filled with thoughts of him. The desire that I have to see him, talk to him, to touch him is at times unbearable, and it has taken over my nights. I hate the white hot feeling of betrayal that pierces my chest. I don’t want to wake flushed with the shame of wanting someone so much you can’t breathe, all the while knowing that they do not feel the same. My dreams are filled with moments of great passion and then I dream of despair, feelings of being not good enough, unacceptable, unworthy and unloved flow into my dreams. I can’t leave them for a moment.

Postsecret

I love the postsecret website. Every once in a while I will read someone else's secret and realize that I am not so different from others. I don't write him letters, but I have long conversations with him in my head. Sometimes I wish that I could stop thinking of him. That I could go at least a day without remembering something - good or bad. One day without feeling the bitter sting of rejection. One day without wondering if he ever meant any of the words of love and care that he spoke. I just know that if I could get one day, then I could get a week, then a month and then he would finally just be the past.

Boys Don't Cry

Some days I really miss high school.....

---------------------------------
I would say I’m sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I’ve said too much
Been too unkind
I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try andLaugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes’cause boys don’t cry
Boys don’t cry
I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that
It’s too late
And now there’s nothing I can do
So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try toLaugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes’cause boys don’t cry
I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it’s no use
That you’ve already
Gone away
Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more
Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just
Keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes’cause boys don’t cry
Boys don’t cry
Boys don’t cry
(The Cure)

Postsecret

An old one that I saved weeks ago, but never posted.

Horoscope for my single days.....

Epps! I can't flirt! Who do I want to amaze? This sounds like trouble....

Your powers of communication, particularly when it comes to compliments, flirting and suchlike, are really rather amazing at the moment. So who is it you want to amaze? (Hint: You don't have to pick just one.)

Feelings...

It has been a couple of months, and when I think about it I still get upset. It is like a good book that you start to read and then lose, you feel like you never got to the ending. I always wonder what might have been, if it had been a different time or place.....

My so called pills....

My birth control pills are mocking me.

Obsession

Beautiful song ----

What can I do with my obsession
with the things I cannot see?
Is there madness in my being?
Is it the wind that blows the trees?

Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
and you surround me like a winter fog
You come and burn me with a kiss.

And my heart burns for you.

And I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat.
You come and free me like a bird.

(Robbie Seal Band)

Paint it Black

Here you are my sweets, one of my favorite songs. Of course, when I am feeling sad, such as now, it seems even more perfect......

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore
I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and they’re all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens ev’ry day

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facin’ up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you

If I look hard enough into the settin’ sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin’ comes
(Rolling Stones)

A Pendulum

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."- Albert Einstein

I am like a pendulum, swinging back and forth between emotions. At the base of it is my love for him. My fear is that he does not understand my current feelings for him. I love him as much now as the first day that I realized it was love. His place in my heart is very secure. He questions my feelings, and I try to respond, but I can’t articulate my feelings. I begin, trying to make sense of a jumbled mess and what I say and what he reads are different. He gets hurt by my words, and all I really want to say to is yes I do still love you. I worry that this would be worse. Still I would fight dragons for him. I just want to make him smile and see him happy.

I had hoped, a small secret hope, that one day we might get another chance, after all the pain was gone. I found out that he is moving on with his life, it hurt, but what hurt the most is that I know that he is not moving on from me, but from others. This morning I thought of my sliding door. What if someone took me back to the very beginning of the relationship and told me I could choose to not live it, what would I do? I would without a doubt jump in the car and kiss him, the same as the first time. To me the time with him is more valuable, then skipping the pain of rejection, even if in the end it is just friends.