Sanity - all a matter of perspective

Great Days in Phishy History

Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell was first published on this date in 1936. I love this book and as a birthday gift to myself, I read it every February.

Not a martini - just a little dirty....

I write in my head. Furious with myself the words slide toward rage and anger. So I wait, post little bits of humor and tiny stories. Until I think, perhaps, a post that seems less bitter, less angry.

A martini, the cool vodka slides down your throat, and with each sip you slowly forget. Your world, which at times seems less than grand, softens into something pleasurable. Suddenly, you are laughing and enjoying life. You feel happy and at peace. I was a martini. Never a lover or a girlfriend. When life was painful for him, I was used to forget. Cool and easy. I helped soften his world with cooing words of love and laughter. Just like a martini, it was wonderful that night, but in the harsh light of the morning, there was the regret. When last called to service, I forced myself to say no. I deserve more for my love. And I must protect myself from the morning light.

I was instantly filled with guilt. I miss him and I love him, so of course I want to make him happy. But I have missed him for months so I know how to deal with those feelings. And the new feeling of guilt for denying him my love, I will learn what martini to hold to my lips.

So I force myself deeper behind the looking glass. Love me or hate me, no guy understands me. But I will be happy or at least drunk.

Forgetting the pain

You sit alone in the dark, a cold beer held tightly. The bottle gently sweats in your grasp as you slowly drown all your memories. The evening which began sadly, slowly turns. You have gone through the looking glass. The tears are forbidden here. Slowly you learn all the things that make you forget, the drinks that dull the pain and the mindless chatter of people. You flee into the night. Always smiling, never allowing anyone to see beyond the mask of your smile.

Another Star Sighting

"You are Shirley Manson", he screams above the bar sounds. "What? I am Charles Manson?" I know that I have gym hair - but really Charles Manson!?! "Shirley Manson" and he begins to sing to me. "Your hot, Shirley Manson." I just smile, as this lovely gay man sings to me.

I need a hug...

Need to get away.....

I'm going back to Cali, rising, surprising
Advising realizing, she's sizing me up
Her bikini - small; heels - tall
She said, she liked, the ocean
She showed me a beach, gave me a peach
and pulled out the suntan lotion
(L.L. Cool J)

I want to climb in to a plane, train, car or bus and vanish. Leaving behind only the lingering warmth of my presence. I want to walk away and begin again, different and pure, a fresh life with no trace of this life in it. Perhaps I will just spend the day dreaming of a different reality.

Horoscope

Pisces:

You have an awesome imagination, and often put it to use for sexual purposes. You are very romantic and don’t hook-up with random people very often.

Because sex to you is about showing your love, you are incredibly romantic in bed, and very giving. You tend be in a serious relationship more often then not.

Sex matches: Taurus, Cancer, Scorpio

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

Magic 8 Ball

I ask the magic 8 ball the same question over and over until I get the answer that I want to hear. Does that make me strange?

http://www.indra.com/cgi-bin/magic-8-ball

Dirty Little Secrets

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Who has to know
(All-American Rejects)

I spent my morning thinking of things to write, thoughts that I want to share. The idea of smiles. I never really notice a person's smile, and then suddenly *bam* you miss a person's smile, or you dream of the next time you get to see it. All these thoughts run circles around my head. Then I decide that perhaps I don't want to write about it. That I don't want to share the idea of evil little grins that make your knees a little weak. Or the need to reach out and touch lopsided dimples. Perhaps it will just be one of my little secrets.

I want it, need it, have to have it...

The Complete Studio Recordings of Led Zeppelin [ORIGINAL RECORDING REMASTERED]. I am just screaming it out to the world....

He should have been in comedy.....

My ob-gyn hands me my prescription for birth control and says, "This should keep you out of trouble for a few more months." Brilliant.....

Saturday Nights

Amazing evening, a concert attended on the advice of a friend – who I did not think knew me so well. Hayes Carll a sexy blue-eyed cowboy, with a great voice and a sense of humor. A blue-grass singer whose songs are so sweetly romantic you want to cry and/or hug him. I don’t think that it gets better than that. Sometimes I just love Saturday nights.

Song for the Addicts

The deeper you stick it in your vein
The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain
I'm in heaven, I'm a god
I'm everywhere, I feel so hot

It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

It's over now, I'm cold, alone
I'm just a person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me
(Nothing means a thing to me)
(Jane's Addiction)

This was played in spin class last night, could not get it out of my head. Oh well - here is just a bit of the lyrics. I noted my favorite ones.....

Some how it seems wrong....

1 Corinthians 7:3 - The husband must give to his wife what she has a right to expect.

And yet, very funny........

http://www.thebricktestament.com/epistles_of_paul/index.html

Bittersweet Symphony

Well my little sex kittens, it is another Led Zeppelin day. Yes, I need a wee bit of perking up. All of my love indeed…..

I have some things tossed about my room that remind me of the past. Odd because there were no gifts and no photos taken of us. These things are items that I purchased with him in mind that never made it to his home before the crash. Most days I never even register these few items, but occasionally, they fill me with a bittersweet longing for things in the past. Today is a bittersweet day, but only ever so slightly.

Theft of Seuss

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

~ Dr. Seuss

I saw this on another blog and snatched it. Dr. Seuss, you devil you, tempting me to evil with your whimsical thoughts.

Country Songs and Cowboy Music

Sometimes it is the only music that truly speaks to the soul.

Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely
I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue
I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new
Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wond'ring what in the world did I do?
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you
Crazy for thinking that my love could hold you
I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying
And I'm crazy for loving you.
(Patsy Cline)

http://www.pcdon.com/country_comfort.html

Oh my.....

Gotta love boys, especially drunk ones that compare you to hot actresses. Now to find sober boys to compare me to hot actresses - even better, cute sober boys.

Through the Looking Glass

Soon her eye fell on a little glass box that was lying under the table: she opened it, and found in it a very small cake, on which the words "EAT ME" were beautifully marked in currants. "Well, I'll eat it," said Alice, "and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach the key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the door: so either way I'll get into the garden, and I don't care which happens!" (Lewis Carroll)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am ready to slip through the looking glass. I imagine that on the other side my world will be different. No more tears, just crazy laughter and joy. So look out Madhatter, I am on my way and I don't care what happens.......

Ida ho, no Uda ho

9AM Back to Work

Coworker #1: So, good weekend?
Coworker #2: I'm kinda beat. I was on my knees, hoeing all weekend.
Coworker #1: Ummm....Excuse me?
Coworker #2: Oh. That didn't come out right. Maybe I should've just said 'gardening.'

21500 Haggerty Road
Northville, Michigan

via Overheard in the Office, Jun 13, 2006

Concerned about blowjobs?

Interestingly enough so is the Onion -

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39680

The following bit is my favorite - "For many of these orally disenfranchised men, a hand to mouth existence is but a dream."

The Princess Bride

"They then share a most beautiful good-bye kiss, one that ranks higher than the five kisses that had previously ranked highest in history.

During the next few weeks, Buttercup begins to take meticulous care of her personal appearance, so that when Westley returns he would still find her beautiful. She is gloriously happy, in love, and all of a sudden she is bombarded with the news that Westley was captured and killed by pirates. She retires to her room without hysteria, and when she at last emerges, thinner, wiser, sadder, she finally is the most beautiful woman in the world." ( William Goldman)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Interesting - the idea that the loss of love can allow you to become more beautiful - as if tears have the power to alter your appearance.

Hmmm -

I wonder if they are sad today........

The Fabulous Foos

Disenchanted Lullabye

Sing me yours, I'll sing you mine
Sing with me now what's a boy to do?
What's a boy to do?

Sing along for yesterday
Sing along my soul today
Sing along another song for you
What's a boy to do?

Chorus:
I may be scattered
A little shattered
What does it matter
No one has a fit like I do
I'm the only one that's fits you

Whispering to pass the time
Whisper for the days gone by
Whisper with the voice inside of you

With this ring you will be mine
With this ring I'll multiply
With this ring surrendering to you
What's a boy to do?
(Foo Fighters)

A Place like Heaven

Time spent next to him; quiet and touching is heavenly to me. I wish that I could close my mind to the fact that it is not the same for him. That while I am in bliss, he is longing for someone else. I want to enjoy my time with him, but I sometimes feel second best. I fear that given the choice he would pick her over and over again. That when he kisses me he thinks of her. When he says I am pretty, he thinks that she is prettier. I hope one day that I can forget her and the pain. That moments with him will simply be moments in heaven.

Father's Day - Postsecret

My relationship with my Dad is one of quiet love and understanding. The idea of a bad or non-existing relationship with a father is foreign to me. Foreign and heartbreaking.

Falling from the sky

Unless it rains tomorrow - I will be skydiving this weekend. Perhaps that will do something to shake my boredom. And if it rains, I hope it is raining men, because I really need to have some one kiss me and hard.

Word to the Day.....

jinni \JEE-nee\ noun
*1 : one of a class of spirits that according to Muslim demonology inhabit the earth, assume various forms, and exercise supernatural power 2 : a magic spirit believed to take human form and serve the person who calls it : genie

I am putting in a request for one of these, so if anyone knows where I can pick one up, preferably a handsome one, and not some troublesome blonde a la Barbara Eden......

Um......

Words fail me.

False Friends

The False Friends

They laid their hands upon my head,
They stroked my cheek and brow;
And time could heal a hurt, they said,
And time could dim a vow.

And they were pitiful and mild
Who whispered to me then,
"The heart that breaks in April, child,
Will mend in May again."

Oh, many a mended heart they knew.
So old they were, and wise.
And little did they have to do
To come to me with lies!

Who flings me silly talk of May
Shall meet a bitter soul;
For June was nearly spent away
Before my heart was whole.

Dorothy Parker

Boredom

It is a long boring afternoon. I spend my time wondering why none of the attorneys in my office look like this.......

Shake that money maker......

In this life, one thing counts
In the bank, large amounts
I'm afraid these don't grow on trees,
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two, boys,
You've got to pick-a-pocket or two.
(Oliver!)

Most things in life are free
But you can give 'em to the birds and bees
I need money, that's what I want

Your lovin' gimme such a thrill
But your lovin' can't pay my bills
I need money, that's what I want
(the Beatles)

I just seem to have money on my mind.

Postsecret

I should have mailed this one in. I feel like I live two or three parallel lives. Never letting the lives touch, but the shadows of each life darkens the others. All in a vain effort to protect myself from judgment and heartbreak. I often feel like I am hiding from everyone, not allowing any one person to know the whole me.

Ugh - why did I get bangs?

I have not had bangs since high school. Just long blond hair - all one length. So - I can't tell you what possessed me to have long angled side bangs cut into my hair. I thought perhaps I would grow to love the new cut, others do. However, in the past two weeks, I have just become convinced that I look like Peg from Lady and the Tramp.

Also I have serious flashbacks to an incident when I was six. I was working on a masterpiece, and my bangs kept getting in the way. So I grabbed some scissors and loped them off. I was, of course, spanked and put to bed. Evidently pictures were scheduled or some such nonsense. But I understand the need, my fingers itch to again rid myself of this burden. How do women live with this madness?

Drinking Style

Could it be a sign when your boss sends you a joke about your astrological drinking style? Oh well - here is mine.....

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know.

William B. Yeats

A Drinking Song

Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you, and I sigh.

Fishy Word of the Day

omnipotent \ahm-NIP-uh-tunt\ adjective

: having virtually unlimited authority or influence

I have always wanted superpowers - the ability to fly, telepathy, perhaps the ability to shape shift; but I think that I would settle for being omipotent.

Where the fuck is the chalk?

I want to be like Simon, every little thing that I draw coming true. Not in a “Fuck, where did all these bloody solders come from? I’m out!” way; but more in a “Fuck, who knew that life could be so grand!” way. When I climb over the garden wall for a bit of a repast, I want it to be a thrilling experience.

So here I am whispering all my wishes and prayers; and in the immortal words of The Smiths, “Please, please, please, let me get what I want this time. Haven't had a dream in a long time.”

So it might have been a bad day......

Davenport

Five things I learned last night -

1) Cape Cods made with vanilla vodka - disgusting.

2) You can never quite tell who may or may not have lived in a crack house.

3) I missing kissing. Watching others is becoming painful.

4) Not all bars have televisions - even during the NBA finals.

5) Some 80's music actually sucks.

The Chase

I strive to change my appearance. As if that is the reason that he left. I know that is not the reason, or at least not the only reason. I wanted to imagine that he would come back if I looked better. Now as I pursue this new image of me, I understand it does not matter. He will never see it, but it makes me feel better about myself.

Conversely other men do see. I notice that when introduced, now instead of instantly scanning the crowd for someone else, they hold my gaze. Perhaps I am more confident and that is the reason, or maybe it is just my imagination. The gaze makes me want to scream - yes, yes, pursue me, chase me, CHASE me. Perhaps I will let you catch me for a moment. But this is a lie, I don’t want to be caught.

A Kiss

The sun shines down upon her face through the window. Suddenly she shivers, perhaps it is the cold air or maybe just his nearness. The radio fills the car with soft music and she softly sings along. Blissfully happy and in love, she leans gently towards him, longing for a kiss. Suddenly he is leaning towards her and her heart skips a beat. All time stands still. Then the light turns green, and I honk at them. Quickly they jump apart, a moment ruined. I smile.........

Oilers down in finals......

Fuckity, Fuck, Fuck.....

A Found Magazine item....

So Wait... Is That a No?

FOUND by Brooklyn67 in New Hyde Park, New York

Here's a scanned copy exactly as it was found- crumpled and discarded into a small ball on my front lawn. Apparently, Kim said no.
(http://www.foundmagazine.com/index.php?fuseaction=finds.home)

Postsecret

A hot Tuesday night - the air thick and muggy, hungry mosquitoes buzz about, pausing momentarily to quickly be swatted away. I stand outside waiting for the event; the founders of Found magazine and PostSecret will discuss their beloved projects. As I wait, I allow myself one moment of reflection. I wish that I could have shared this with him. I think that he would have enjoyed it, an evening of laughter and secrets. But he is not mine to share with. He now belongs to another and so I quickly push these thoughts from my mind.

I walk with my PostSecret book in hand, excited to tell the founder how much I love his website and to have him sign the book. I want to tell him how amazing his website is. How it makes all the feelings that you hold inside seem valid. That I cry over at least one card each week. That I have created cards in my mind, but can’t bring myself to put it all on paper. But I don’t tell him this, I leave it all unsaid, just another little secret that I hold.

Happy Birthday

Wicked Witch of the West: What a nice little dog. And you, my dear. What an unexpected pleasure. It's so kind of you to want to visit me in my loneliness.

Happy Birthday - to a California Gemini that recently told me about a song that was written for me, and you should just hear me belt it out when it plays!

http://orlinal.blogspot.com/2006_04_01_orlinal_archive.html (April 29th)

Silently happy

setting my stereo for nothing but the big beats
windows open sound of the city streets
blowing through the night like a tiger in a movie
feeling kind of groovy

and it's la la la oh it's getting better now
can almost forget how it's a big beautiful day
and nothing's standing in my way (la la la)
oh its getting better now (la la la)
i can almost forget how (la la la)
bees they all sing her name (la la la)
(Bob Schneider)

Mes anges plus doux, there are moments of serenity, times when all is well with your soul. Sadness gives way to joy, life moves forward, ever changing and never the same. When the curve of a smile can be forgotten and the pain can be forgiven.

Birthday of a Russian writer -

"I Loved You..."

I loved you: and, it may be, from my soul
The former love has never gone away,
But let it not recall to you my dole;
I wish not sadden you in any way.

I loved you silently, without hope, fully,
In diffidence, in jealousy, in pain;
I loved you so tenderly and truly,
As let you else be loved by any man.

~ Aleksandr Pushkin

Hmmmm...

A friend sent this to me and it was too funny not to share.

Words to live by -

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"~ Brian O'Rourke

Take me out to the ballgame...

Hmmmm - weekend of adventure was surprising success. Sang on stage on Friday - Saturday was spent bike riding and in preparation for visit to family (see previous posts) - Sunday was spent watching the hometown boys lose in overtime. Add to all of this a few beers, some light flirting, a dance or two, and a movie - and you have the beginning of a cure for heartbrake. No tears, no sadness, no glancing at the phone wondering what he is doing and where he is. Just me on the move - happy and carefree.

I am mad I tell you - MAD.....

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. ~
Friedrich Nietzsche

It is silly the things that your heart hangs on to. A quick kiss in the kitchen, blankets pulled over you in the middle of the night, or a bottle of your favorite vodka tucked into his freezer. Memories that will still, months later trigger a sort of insane sadness. Hopefully - a weekend full of adventure will help ease the sadness. That and a lack of communication, and perhaps a cocktail......

Umphrey's McGee

Go to Jimmy Kimbel's concert series - and you can watch one of my favorite bands sing "Wine Woman & Song".

http://abc.go.com/primetime/jimmykimmel/concert/streaming.html

Coincidently - I win....

Why be kind?

A swinging pendulum must be crushed. I spend the afternoon trying to be nice to someone that I was fighting with and where does it get me? No where - I am still yelled at and accused of ranting. It is not worth it. Why be nice?

Crowded House

Don't Dream its Over - a great song from the 80's - here is a link to the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCZALaS24-Q&search=Crowded%20House

E.E. Cummings

it may not always be so; and i say

it may not always be so; and i say it may not always be so; and i say
that if your lips, which i have loved, should touch
another's, and your dear strong fingers clutch
his heart, as mine in time not far away;
if on another's face your sweet hair lay
in such a silence as i know, or such
great writhing words as, uttering overmuch,
stand helplessly before the spirit at bay;

if this should be, i say if this should be-
you of my heart, send me a little word;
that i may go unto him, and take his hands,
saying, accept all happiness from me.
Then shall i turn my face, and hear one bird
sing terribly afar in the lost lands.