Musical Thoughts

Music is the shorthand of emotion. ~Leo Tolstoy

I sit in the sun - a breeze dancing through my hair. Music flows around me - while people chatter and laugh. Sunday afternoon sitting at Central Market listening to a local band perform on the patio. I daydream - reliving the events of Saturday night - sweet kisses, passionate touches and sensual words. All make believe - but something to dream about while waiting for the next one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fly me to the moon

Let me play among those stars

Let me see what spring is like

On Jupiter and Mars

In other words, hold my hand

In other words, baby kiss me

Fill my heart with song

Let me sing for ever more

You are all I long for

All I worship and adore

In other words, please be true

In other words, I love you

Fill my heart with song

Let me sing for ever more

You are all I long for

All I worship and adore
(Frank Sinatra)

Infinety and beyond....

PISCES: Your dreams work out quite nicely in your head, dear Pisces, but the problem now is turning them into some sort of real life scenario. Be careful of taking too much of an intellectual approach. When it comes to relationships, things don't normally happen logically or rationally. You are going to have to leave a great deal up to chance, so just learn to deal with things as they come.

--------------------------------------------------

There is a fine line between love and hate. My emotions slip easily from side to side. I had been determined to not hate him. Just as I have been determined not to rail against him - now or ever. However, I am not this person - this sad creature that holds on waiting for a man. Never! I must move forward - I deserve to be happy - and so I shall be. Thus I am moving on. I am working on an on-line profile. Perhaps some light flirting with other men will allow me to see that I am amazing - and worthy of love. But then I already know that I am worthy of love and amazing. So wish me luck as I prepare to re-enter the world of dating and men.

The Kiss

The soft sounds of ice hitting glass and people discussing their lives filters all around us. The sounds of the bar evaporate as he whispers to me of love and kisses. I lean towards him pressing my lips to his, and I can't breath, as we gently kiss among strangers. Sighing - I lean away, waiting for my world to regain its balance. I dream of sitting here kissing him forever. The past forgotten and locked away.

Top Ten List

Top Ten Signs The FedEx Guy Is In Love With You

10. You schedule a pickup -- he shows up and says you have lovely eyes
9. Offers to take you out to dinner and have you home before 10am the next business day
8. He's named his handcart after you
7. Tells you you look like you've lost a couple ounces
6. He had your tracking number tattooed above his heart
5. Badgers you to take a romantic getaway to the FedEx central processing plant in Memphis, Tennessee
4. Notice on door reads "Delivery attempted at 2:30, 2:34, 2:38, 2:42..."
3. Goes through roll of bubble wrap saying, "She loves me, she loves me not"
2. Mailman hands you an envelope, FedEx guy jumps out of bushes, shouting, "You slut!"
1. Claims to have a special "package" for you, but he's not holding a box
(David Letterman - 2002)

Perking up the afternoon....

Just a little something to make you chuckle.

Superman's Cape

The red cap flutters to the floor, thrown off in his haste to leave.
He is no longer my superman, just a man.
Crawling under the cape I seek solace.
I can smell his warm clean scent.
His warmth still clings to the folds.
It keeps me safe on long lonely nights.
I wrap it around me for warmth from the cold.
I dry my tears with its soft edges.
Gradually I begin to push it back;
I crawl out from under it to begin again.
Days pass slowly, but I begin to feel stronger.
One day I suddenly remember his cape.
I look around only to realize that it now hangs from my shoulders.
I understand that I was the amazing one.
I am my own superhero, no one else.

For my sweetpea.....

But I for bliss was not created;
To that my soul is foreign still.
In vain, in vain, are your perfections;
Of them I count myself unworthy. ~ Alexandr Pushkin

Two Great Tastes that Taste Great Together.....

Sad songs say so much....

I love the lyrics of this song. It is one of those songs that just happens to capture the exact emotions that you are feeling. It expresses things better than you ever could.

I woke up early this morning around 4 a.m.
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
And ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's ok, there's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been, or what we should have been, so...

[chorus]

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
But don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you, and on with my life
(Keith Urban)

I told you I am evil....

A Black Dress and a Mystery

Pushing through the lobby doors into the humid Houston night, I feel free. At this moment, I understand that I am completely without restraint. My life is, for better or worse, mine to live.

It is a wondrous moment, one instance in which all sadness falls away.

Perhaps it is the dress – a black item that equals the green dress in sheer attention garnering potential. The only difference being that the green dress is loved by gay men and the black dress is loved by straight men. My friends call it my confidence dress – I don’t know if it is because it takes confidence to climb into it and head out, or because I get attention in it – thus building my confidence. Perhaps all this confidence allowed me to finally feel blessed.

No matter the reason, the black dress and I made the rounds at the Alley last night – watching a play with a friend from the office. It was delightful. No one concerned about where I was, or who I was with or when I would be home. Simply me, going and doing whatever I want, under a big Texas sky.

Postsecret

I sometimes just want to erase everything - all the pain. I want it to go away. I want the desire to stop - this longing to still be with him. But I would lose the good as well, and I think that I would rather have those good memories, and just suffer through the pain.

Leaps of -

I came to get down [2x]
So get out your seats and jump around
Jump around [3x]
Jump up Jump up and get down.
Jump [17x]

I'm the cream of the crop, I rise to the top
I never eat a pig cause a pig is a cop
Or better yet a terminator
Like Arnold Schwarzenegger
(House of Pain)

I would not say faith, but I will be leaping from an airplane. That is right, I have signed up to skydive on June 17. Funny thing - I scheduled my well woman for afterwards - I figure if I die, it will save me from having to go through that again.......

The stars want me to write....

PISCES: You are in a good place to just chill and read or write stuff that speaks to your soul. Call it poetry if you want, or just enjoy it for what it is. One close friend will get it if you share.

The pressure is on...

Fishy Philosophy

The two most calming words in the English language - grey goose.

An explanation -

It has recently come to my attention that my blog is very limited and filled angst. That my life is much broader than what is portrayed. I think of the blog as being more about the inner me, something private. I imagine that some of the posts are little songs that my heart sings. Right now, I am a girl that loved a boy so much her heart danced at the sound of his voice. When he left, I was very sad. And my heart sang sad songs. Slowly I am getting better, and I tend to think that the songs now are hopefully. Yes, I should share more of my life, and I will. But there are things that I do not think that you – my gentle readers – will enjoy. The mundane details of my every day; who I sat across from at dinner, which bar I danced at or on, what I gazed at during my spin class, and if I spent the evening watching my beloved CSI. Those I will keep to myself, but I promise to bring more texture to the blog. To share more of my life – outside of the sadness.

Relaxation - call it what you will....

Sorry - but I just had to -

Lovin the Cushion....

Pointless waste of time - indeed....

Video of Nickleback song by John Cleese - at times odd and at times very funny!

http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/photograph.html

Baby Brothers

Don't you just love baby brothers? I know that I do!

Email from mine -

Thought you might like this one in particular:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1YwoCbMCnc
Love you,

And he was right, I do like that one especially......

Strange, but cute -

Received some pictures of a tiger in Bangkok that has a litter of baby pigs. It never really explained why, but the pictures are just too cute. So I had to post one -

Horoscope for the day -

Introspection isn't the same as hibernation -- just because you feel like looking inward today doesn't mean you have to turn off your social life. So say 'yes' to that invitation without feeling guilty that you're not working on bigger personal issues. In a social setting, you'll get the clues you need to make further progress on your own happiness. Being popular isn't a burden -- it's a source of strength, so get out there and mix it up with your friends.

I guess the stars are telling me to go have fun.......

Hmmm......

Unwritten

This is my current inspirational song - lots of dancing and singing when it comes on the radio. It makes me feel hopeful, when not much does at the moment.

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
(Natasha Bedingfield)

Dreaming of -

a man that loves me the way that I loved him. Angles singing, earth dropping, head spinning, loss of breath love that comes on quick and holds on tight. No matter time or actions, a love that lasts.

Shaking these blues

On the edge of sleep, I hear sighs and whispers. Dreams that I don’t recall of sex and love begin to push their way into my conscious mind. I force myself back behind the wall of sleep, not wanting to allow these memories into my waking thoughts. Morning comes with a fierce determination, and I crawl from bed; angry and sad. Not a good day. My mood is one of sour disappointment and heartbroken betrayal.

Determined to shake these blues, I put on my favorite heels, a slash of red lipsticks and a clingy black dress and head out the door to work. Wish me luck.

Beautiful Imagery

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. ~Maya Angelou

Habits

Breaking bad habits is an arduous task, it seems nearly impossible to stop the desire. My fingers itch to type emails to him, but I have nothing to say. There are no words left between us. So it is the end. How many days does it take for the desire to go away?

Failure....

Gapingvoid.com

Early morning...

In the early morning hours, I lie awake unable to lose myself in blissful dreams. The air is filled with sounds of Led Zepplin and a snoring puppy. I begin to think of the past and find that I can no longer conjure up my good memories. Memories of laughter and stolen kisses seem very far away. I can only recall the last painful conversation and the last time that we were together. I no longer can see his face in my mind, I just hear his voice. The words spoken to me only to soothe me, now have no meaning, and I have no tears left to cry.

Tennyson ~

Music that gentlier on the spirit lies,
Than tired eyelids upon tired eyes.
~Alfred Lord Tennyson

Song for the Heartbroken

For my dear readers, the end of a good heartbreak song.....

And with a sad heart
I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “how can you do this to me?”

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things
I didn’t do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
(Blue October)

Intrusion

2:00 a.m., sitting in a crowded dinner. Glancing up from my menu I find myself the focus of a man’s attention. I glance away, and back again, still he stares. I pull my menu up higher, blocking my face from his view. Wanting him to stop, focus on the people with him, the lady next to him that is clearly his wife. My friend slides into the booth across from me. I whisper that the creepy man is staring at me. Well, you do look good. I want to scream, I don’t want to look good for him. I want to be left alone.

Erasing the past

I slide under the cool blue water into the peaceful calm. Drifting with the current I forget the pain. I resist the urge to rise and navigate the world. I want to forget; the rejection, confusion and even the love. The water erases the past forever.

Stealing Kisses

No reason - just love the song....

'Cause I always have to steal my kisses from you
Always have to steal my kisses from you

Now I've been hangin around you for days, but when I lean in you just turn your head away
Oh no, you didn't mean that
She said I love the way you think, but I hate the way you act

'Cause I always have to steal my kisses from you
Always have to steal my kisses from you
(Ben Harper)

Blessings

Blessed is the girl that looks in the mirror and realizes that she is too good for the person that hurt her.

Happy Birthday

Dorothy: Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore

It's the birthday of the man who created the land of Oz, Frank Baum, born in Chittenango, New York (1856). He published the first book in his series, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, in 1900.

Mother's Day Postsecret

I really like this one......

Hmmm......

Fear of Nervous Breakdown Alleviated

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."-Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970), Conquest of Happiness (1930) ch. 5

Work - blah, blah, blah

Cuz now I got the world swingin’ from my nuts
And damn it feels good to be a gangsta
(Ghetto Boys)

This is a... fuck! (Samir)

I have - recently - taken on sort of a slacker attitude. I want to reenact the scene in Office Space where he has dismantled his cubicle. He has his feet on his desk, eating cheetos, drinking a coke and playing Tetris. Bad - yes. A reaction to my life - possibly.....

See what Office Space character you are - I am Samir....
http://quizilla.com/users/theandrea/quizzes/What%20Office%20Space%20character%20are%20you?/

Photograph

A photograph sent over the internet. The face that he wants peers out at me. Her smile saying I am his chosen one, the winner, his view of perfection. I see the eyes that he stares longingly into, the lips that he kisses, the body that he presses to his, and the hands that he holds. I look for the spark – what it is that has possessed him. I want to erase the image from my mind, but it has invaded my dreams, bound together with my dreams of him.

Liquid Blessings

purr......oh, sweet, sweet margarita - thank you for the dreamless slumber....

Cartoons on the back of business cards -

How my memory works....

There is a song -

We can have some more.

Nature is a whore.

Bruises on the fruit.

Tender age in bloom.

(In Bloom - Nirvana)

That reminds me of a poem -

Nature's first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leafs a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

(Robert Frost)

That reminds me of a book -

The Outsiders, SE Hinton

Which reminds me of fifth grade; sitting on the floor listening to the book on record. Yes - a real record. One of my favorite teachers - now in the mists of time, I only recall that she had a blonde bob.

All of this reminds me that I have no one to share these things with. One of my favorite books as a girl. My favorite poet. The fact that I sat on the lawn and recited this poem (and a passage from Romeo & Juliet) from memory to my junior English class - which was taught by Mr. Bell - who also taught psychology, which sparked my love of the subject, which then became my college minor. How I love Nirvana and it reminds me of living in New York and youth. Just all the strings of one thing that all come together to make a person whole. Now I have no one to share the whole person with.

Understanding

My sleep is full of dreams and memories of times spent with him, in his arms, kissing and talking to him. I try to erase these memories during the day, but in the dark, they come flooding back to me. I want to understand the why of it. The reasoning behind the pain. As if he could explain it to me and make it better. There is no why - this I understand. The rejection should be enough. A choice made, a relationship tossed aside. No reason but his own desires. All these things during the day seem reasonable. I move on, life continues, I understand these things happen. At night, while the dreams are flooding my mind, it is hard to stop the tears.

But - I am amazing....

Happy Birthday

It was on this day in 1960 that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved the use of the world's first birth control pill.

It was one of the first times a drug had ever been approved by the FDA for a purpose other than to cure an illness or relieve pain. It was also the first time that a new medication was known not by its official name, Enovid-10, but simply as "the pill."

Some people hoped it would end unwanted pregnancies but today about 50 percent of all pregnancies in the U.S. are unplanned.

(The Writer's Almanac)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This could explain why my pill tried to escape this morning. Not in a vain attempt at suicide (feelings of uselessness, I assumed) but instead to join the celebration.....

Lovers and sighs....

Big butts and blow jobs
They go together like
The sun and the sky
Like whiskey and rye
Like ice cream and pie
Like lovers and sighs
Big butts and blow jobs
(The Scabs)

Laughter, light, movement, dancing surround me. In the midst of life, I am lonely. I seek noise. I wrap it around me like a blanket in the cold. I am for a moment alive. Temporarily forgiven for my angst.

Dancing alone....

Alone in the dark I sway to the music, surrounded by the noise and movement of other people, trying to forget that somewhere else he dances in the dark. However, he is not alone.

These Words....

Sometimes - your heart sings songs against the will of your mind, what hurts the most is when your soul dances along.

These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
That's all I got to say,
Can't think of a better way,
And that's all I've got to say,
I love you, is that okay?
(Natasha Bedingfield)

Postsecret for the new week......

Somewhere

Somewhere in the darkness of a jasmine scented night, a woman weeps as she waits for her broken heart to heal.

Cinco de Mayo

I am off to drink my troubles away - with tequila in honor of the day......

Happy Birthday Buddha

Buddha ~

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
"The tongue like a sharp knife... Kills without drawing blood.”
"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.”

Want you -

Into everyone's life a little Cheap Trick must fall ~

I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I’d love you to love me.
I’m beggin’ you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I’d love you to love me.
I’ll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I’ll get home early from work if you say that you love me.

Lovely Thoughts

"What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like beautiful music." ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reincarnation

I shall be a bear in my next life. Not bad considering I am evil.....[menacing laugh]

Go see what your future holds..... http://www.reincarnationstation.com/

Three reasons I am evil (or naughty by nature) –

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both. ~ Nicollò Machiavelli

1) Ice falls to the floor in a deliciously provocative manner. I giggle; a colleague glances up at me while cleaning up the ice. “Oh, sorry,” I say with a grin. To which I am told – “I think that you are very evil, but you hide it. We only get glimpses of it at times.”

2) Male colleague asks me a question about the actions of woman. When asked why – I am told that he hoped that evil would recognize evil.

3) I have been told that I look like an angel in the light, but act like the devil in the dark.

Now – why can’t I be evil to him?

A little something to make you smile....

Umphrey's McGee

Friends from far flung destinations send me photos of a favorite band in concert. I am loved....

Scarlett: I only know that I love you.
Rhett Butler: That's your misfortune.

I lie in the dark. Looking up at the man that I love. In one quick action he reaches out and pulls my heart from my chest. His words and actions betray a viciousness that I have never known. I lie there stunned, the pain more than I can comprehend, but no tears come. He pulls me to him, touching and caressing. I imagine I am no longer me. I have become to him the one that he misses. Afterwards, I lie silently beside him. I raise and walk out, never turning back, never saying good-bye. I walk down a stairwell that I will never see again, and close the gate on my past. At that moment, I am free. My soul flies towards heaven.

Dreaming of -

a man that dreams of kissing me, passionately...

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I’ll take your breath away
And after I’d wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear
(Sarah McLachlan)

Rhett Butler: No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.

An Awakening

So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can't do the little things
I hold so dear
'Cause it's all those little things
That I fear
(No Doubt)

I am scared of heights, terrified. But given the chance to get my feet off the ground I take it. Drop me from the sky, swing me upside down, send me hurling through space in the dark, looping around fast or slow. Any chance to push that limit, to force the fear to devour me, I take it – I relish it. If told that I can’t do something, I do it. There was a boy once that told me – “No, you can’t.” To which I queried, “Are you forbidding me”? Suddenly, there was a shift, he knows me, and understand that no makes me. I am not an extreme daredevil, but I don’t back down. I face fear, I challenge myself. Or at least I used to. This morning that girl looked at me in the mirror and called me a pussy. How did I become this? I was never this before. I was preparing to sky-dive, learn to sail, travel the world, and suddenly a man makes me cry. The girl who faced her life is awake; never again to be lazy, sad, depressed girl. I have been dormant too long.

Death by Lace

A slip of lace, purchased at Target. Designed to entice. Ripped off in passion. Tossed to the floor in longing. Tucked away as a memento of the event. How could one know that this item could cause such heartbreak? That lace would be the death of a relationship.

Spring

In the rafters, doves have made their home. Cooing softly to each other, speaking soft words of love in their dovey language. "My beloved, I am blessed" he sings to her. A butterfly dances from flower to flower. Spring has arrived. My heart feels too heavy for the season.

Words of wisdom

“Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted, but getting what you have, and once you have it you may be smart enough to see that it is what you would have wanted had you known.”~ Garrison Keillor

What evil lurks in the hearts and minds.....

I sometimes wish that I had this inside me. The ability to get angry and wish pain on someone that caused me pain. I don't know if it helps or hurts me, the fact that I still wish him love.....

Here you come again

Old country theme song for the week - maybe it would make me feel better to post another hot cowboy picture.....

Here you come again
Just when I’m about to make it work without you
You waltz right in the door
Just like you done before
And wrap my heart ’round your little finger
Here you come again
Just when I’m about to make it work without you
You look into my eyes
And light those dreamy eyes
And pretty soon I’m wonderin’
How I came to doubt you
All you gotta do
Is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you
And in a little while
You’re messin’ up my mind
An’ fillin’ up my senses
Here you come again
Lookin’ better than a body
Has a right to
An’ shakin’ me up so
That all I really know
Is here you come again
An’ here I go
(Dolly Parton)

A Prayer for the Irish

My dearest angel - I pray that you find a love as deep and pure as the love that I have for you. That you find a safe haven to lay your weary head. I pray that I have a night of dreamless sleep. With that precious boy, I give you a warm hug and a tender kiss good-bye.